Month: July 2018

A lot of my friends have been asking me what is wrong and some have gone so far as saying I am different since I got a boyfriend and honestly maybe I have. I know being in a relationship means I am not available 24/7 anymore, but this is more about me prioritizing my goals. I have been working really hard on sleep, self care and hitting my career goals. A good friend said to me today we’re always carrying something with us wether it be a bag of feathers or a bag of rocks. Which one are you carrying and what can we do about it to lighten the load?

I have been carrying multiple bags of rocks my entire life and ever since I got sober I have been unloading the rocks and replacing them with feathers. Unfortunately I have many rocks to get rid of still so all I ask is be patient. I find I spread myself thin and as a change maker I have many people watching me for guidance and support in their journeys and I love that!! It is why I do what I do, but my friends need to understand that as well. How do I keep 100 relationships going strong? Well in an ideal world I would have monthly meet ups with everyone at once, but life is rarely ideal and it requires discipline and choices.

As for that sack of rocks I have been hanging onto…… I am not different, however I am still grieving many things. Yes, I have jumped huge obstacles lately but they do not heal instantaneously. I still mourn my childhood and struggle with letting go. The idea of my step father living without any repercussions of molesting not only myself but other children devastates me. It makes me incredibly sad because how many others live in this fear? I know he can’t hurt me anymore, but it affects my life in ways like driving through Langley worried he will be at the next stop light. I also grieve the idea of having a mother. I feel empty not having these simple relationships. I’m forever grateful I found my biological father, but to have someone who’s been there for me since a child is missing.

Today I drove through New West on my way to a breakfast meeting and it hit me. My aunt was pretty much my mom growing up. A solid ten years older than me she was always told to bring me along when she would go out. When she got her first car I was there, when my grandma bought her first apartment I stayed there every weekend and when her son was born I was there a lot his first few years of life. Throughout the years we had our spats but they never lasted long. When I lost custody of my kids she took them on. She was the only one who believed the truth about my step dad molesting me. She was my fucking everything. She was my family. She never judged me. She always had my back! Then it happened. I made a choice not out of loyalty but respect. My children were not only raised by her but her husband at the time. My oldest couldn’t rely on her coming to his birthday dinner and instead invited his uncle (her ex husband) to his party. I posted pictures and noticed the very next day my aunt was gone. Blocked on fb, instagram and she even changed her phone number. I emailed even; to no reply. It has been one year and almost 6 months since this happened. Devastated. Abandoned. Lonely. Sad. Angry. What happened to my tribe before I got sober? What happened to my tribe that were there for me through my marriage breakdown? What changed? I know I can’t expect everyone to be by my side all the time just like I can’t make everyone happy at all times.

I have some big events coming up and I lost my momentum, so as I focus now on getting prepared for big things I plan on keeping that momentum going this time. Full steam ahead baby!!!!!

Here is a picture from this morning. That nostalgic moment when I drove over the Patulla Bridge and saw my aunts first apartment. She was 21 and her bedroom was plastered in posters like Def Leppard, Bon Jovi and those old school velvet posters. I spent many weekends there eating junk food and watching movies. She met her first husband during this time and he would cook me weird concoctions like hot dog and fried egg sandwiches. It was these times I felt safe and protected from my parents, yet I was not a child. I may have been 11 but I was steadily surrounded by young behaviours and lots of pot smoking. I grew up fast, but thats the easy part. The hard part is the emptiness I feel from the abandonment of my family that I need for support.

I am grateful for those who have entered my life recently and for the ones that are still with me. Those few who call for a lunch at least twice a year mean the most. It is not the quantity of time that matters but the quality of it.

XX

Badass Bon

There has been some ups and downs this past year and extreme successes. I am beyond grateful for it all, but have slowly withdrawn myself from going 100% lately. This doesn’t mean I am going anywhere, in fact I think you’ll see more of me in the coming months, it just means I am human. I didn’t finish school, I’ve never had a job for more than a year, I have had a pretty shitty go, I live with PTSD, anxiety and depression. Some days I just don’t want to get out of bed.

I’ve done a lot of change for one person in 21 months. Learning how to be a functioning human in life isn’t exactly easy considering as an addict I am obsessive and compulsive. Some days I am go go go with no destination and other times I am barely able to focus on much except the pain I find so hard to let go. I mean I have overcome a lot, but some days I just want to scream and say fuck it. It still haunts me…. the past that creeps back in at night and images that will never be forgotten.

One thing I do know though is my choice still stands. I chose on that stage a little over a year ago that I will be a speaker and that I am. I chose to live my life with purpose and to be a positive person.

Tonight, after installing my brand new washing machine and struggling to get it level we decided tonight we would let it be and level it tomorrow. My 14 year old daughter, love her to pieces, with her teen attitude thought I should’ve told her we were getting a new washer. After explaining the other one broke and her not believing me she got quite mad her laundry wasn’t getting done at 10pm lol. I was already pissed off at the washing machine and the situation so I laughed. Well my daughter didn’t find that too funny and freaked out I was laughing. When she asked why I was laughing all I could do was laugh more. I blurted out to my boyfriend “the opposite of laughing is not a pretty sight” I laughed so hard I cried. I think I had a little bit of a breakdown, but I held my shit together. My teenagers get so angry and I just wish they could let go earlier than I did in life.

Being a mom of 3 and being a recovering alcoholic is probably one of the hardest damn jobs. My kids never let me live it down the mistakes I have made. How I wish they could move forward and forgive me. Until then, I will laugh and cry instead of be angry and get drunk.

Not only is being a mom hard but have you ever tried dating someone who isn’t an alcoholic or an abusive control freak? Yea not since my teen years unfortunately. I recently started exclusively seeing a man who won me by being different. Ive been dating for a bit now and it has been a whole lot of crazy!! This guy came out of nowhere and didn’t whisk me off my feet at first, but there were things that I liked but wasn’t used to. Like compliments, who would’ve thought hearing how beautiful you are was amazing. Or actually pushing me to get out of my comfort zone, not afraid to sit beside me at a restaurant (yes Ive never sat beside a guy it is always across from and phones are always out), someone who isn’t all about social media, funny, sweet and a bit on the dorky but hot side. I mean that in a good way if you (the bf) is reading this hahaha. It is the simple things in life that really get my attention. Like sharing our food. When I go out to eat I want variety, and now I found a guy willing to share and not complain.

Balance now. Friends, family, business and alone time is very important. I will be focusing more on business as the summer slowly comes to an end and I look forward to this next chapter in my life. I really hope this next leg of the journey includes less teenage attitude, but I won’t hold my breath.

XX

Badass Bon

I believe habits can be broken, but only with extreme dedication can I overcome my defects of character. Yes, life has given me some sour lemons to bite on and with these hard times I have branded myself into an inspiration to many, however I do not have it all figured out. Just know that as I figure it out I will share all I learn along the way. When I first got sober my story was stuck on my addictions and shame, and then the childhood stuff came out, and eventually the breakdown of my marriage. I have had some extreme highs along the way followed by extreme lows. Time for some truth! I have weeks where my depression is so bad all I want to do is sleep. I then feel no motivation for another week as I come back to my normal.

I just want everyone to know that I have hard times too. It is what we do when we’re down that defines us, and although I may check out at times you will never see me stay down long.

So now that I have given some explanation to why I sometimes miss blogging for a couples weeks lets play catch up.

As you all knew I competed for the Miss BC title over the Canada Day long weekend. I still can’t believe I made it through the intense rehearsals and show in heels and beautiful outfits. I am not a morning person and the days started by 730 each morning and went until 10 each night. What would normally be a very uncomfortable situation for me was the complete opposite. I for once in my life felt 100% accepted. I was the oldest competitor in my category, quite possibly the largest and probably the loudest. I made friends with everyone including the girls competing for Miss Teen BC. The diversity was amazing and hearing everyone’s story really drove home how we all have a story and each one is meant to inspire someone.

I had this feeling the entire weekend that I was doing quite well and even for a moment thought I was going to win this thing. Needless to say I did not win the title, but I did win two awards. First, I won the heart and soul award. This award was won by all the competitors votes as to who was the most inspirational. We voted after hearing everyone share their story in 60 seconds. The second award I won was The People’s Choice award. This award was chosen by the public who had the opportunity to vote their favourite competitor throughout most of June. I was completely honoured to win those awards and just proved to me I am making a difference in the world. My power is resilience. I am proof that no matter how tough I get it I better get on my two feet and live! Live so to show others life is worth living!

I am forever grateful for the opportunity to compete this year, and I am 75% sure I will be competing next year as well. The opportunity to hold a title and use it to further help others is my mission and I really stand for everything Miss BC offers. I would love to help others compete in this competition as well. Let’s get out of our comfort zones and do the unthinkable. We live once, so let’s live it bravely and with purpose.

XX

Badass Bon