Month: January 2019

We still like each other

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Day two of our adventures and I haven’t froze to death…. yet! Not a lot happened. We drove lots, met some of my boyfriends friends and had a minor hiccup on our journey. When we got to the airport in Lloydminster to return the rental car the tire popped on the boat trailer. We went to Kal-Tire and unfortunately they did not have one to replace ours. With only an hour to find one I started to have some negative thoughts cross my mind like great we wont find one, or we will be stuck here the night, or, or fuck that shit!! I put my hands out to the windshield and I said “Universe, I have been good to you and in return you have been good to me in the last two years, so give us a break. We are going to drive to Canadian Tire and you will have a tire there for us because you take care of those that need taking care of.” Scoff if you may, negative thinking has never served me well. Positive thinking however has changed my life. Guess who bought the last tire in our size on the shelf? Us of course!

So I manifested some shit and it worked out.

I have had a lot of time to think today and I have happily come to think I manifested my boyfriend too. I was ready. He came out of nowhere and on our drive I really looked at him. Deeply. His quirks, his humour and his thought process and damn do I like him. A little bit, hahahaha more like a lot a bit but who’s paying attention. To think I can be where I am today after allowing men to spit on me, hit me, threaten me and strip me of my human nature. If you are reading this and think life can’t get any worse it can! You have choice in life. Stay down or get the fuck up. Staying down for me meant death and destruction. Today I am happy.

I’m going to leave you with this tonight. Positive thinking leaves to positive living. Get out of your own way.

xoxo Badass Bon

I’m sorry

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When your driving for hours with someone who doesn’t listen to music you have a lot of time to think. With all this thinking comes realization. I am realizing I have a long way to go to becoming the best me I can be. This actually excites me!! This means I have so much growth and a lifetime to do it. I have no intention of dying soon, but we are not promised tomorrow, so I blog my journey with the world because if I am not here to encourage; my past will always be here to read. I hope that my vulnerability and truth opens the door to other people who are afraid of stepping out fully in the world.

No more excuses! I am the way I am for a multitude of reasons. Like my choice in past relationships. I saw violence and I endured it because that was my normal. I don’t hug my kids often enough for a deep down fear I shouldn’t touch them (only a survivor of child molestation could deeply understand this), and then there is my love for yelling. Although I cower when voices rise that only lasts for a moment and then the inner fighter comes out. Here’s the thing though, I want to be a fighter but not that type of fighter. I am ashamed I used to fight people, punch people, hurt people and be undeniably one of the meanest persons I know of. My words cut deeper than a knife and I would feel good inside for making someone feel as bad as I truly felt. That is not okay.

I have talked shit behind peoples backs, rolled my eyes when discussing others troubles and laughed at others for their struggles. This is not something I have done to many people, but even to do this to one person is way too many. When did this world become so unconnected? When did it become okay to break each other down? There are always going to be bad people in the world, but as one who has been hurt by so many how could I go on and do the same? It’s that cycle I have always talked about, and it so easily creeps back in that you don’t even realize it. Here’s the thing though, no one wants to continually hear my poor me past! People want to know how I got over my past and rose up to be this BADASS woman I have become! I have had a light bulb moment of clarity which has catapulted me into complete awareness.

I no longer want to live in the shadows of my past. I no longer want to rent the space in my head to my past abusers. And I certainly am done being depressed and feeling completely worthless. Isn’t it crazy how fast things change? I had this mindset before and lost it. I believe it was when I was with my ex this past summer when he continually jabbed his index finger into my forehead demanding to know what my fucking problem was and why I couldn’t just get over everything. He was hurting me and when I started shaking and crying he was happy he 100% controlled me in that moment. Almost instantly everything I had previously been told negatively about myself crept back in and it became my truth. I told him I was a waste of skin and I was sorry for being so stupid. I quit all my speaking gigs that I had booked and he deleted all my social media accounts. Just like that, in a snap of a finger, in a blink of an eye he controlled me and I allowed it. Why? Because I was lonely and who else would want to make a life with a broken girl like myself?

These thoughts are all non truths. We tell ourselves this to “survive” and just “live,” but this is not true living. I’m done lying and ready to start living 100%.

Oh ya!! What about this trip to Alberta you might be wondering? Well it is going great. I slept absolutely great last night with my boyfriend who made me feel safe. I didn’t dream, so no rem sleep (totally my norm), but I fell asleep easily and slept through the night other than my usual bathroom trips. We are off for an adventure today, so don’t be surprised for a quick blog tonight with my ventures.

In closing, my Grandma taught me this saying that I swear almost everyone was raised on “if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all.” I not only challenge myself to this, but I challenge you all to do this as well. You don’t know others struggles and until you are walking in their shoes you don’t know how hard they have it. If someone isn’t being graceful lets help them be graceful. I think we live in a world where we walk on egg shells. I would much rather be told I am wrong than to be left to continue being wrong.

Travelling light

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Hi! I am Bonnie, a complete princess who doesn’t like to get her hands dirty and takes pride in her looks even when in sweats and a messy bun. My previous relationships have consisted of bums, drug addicts, abusive narcissistic assholes and uninspired leaches (sorry? Not really). Some were not that terrible, but our paths crossed at wrong times, and I can’t save everyone nor should I be in a relationship with a man that needs saving. Today I have a boyfriend who is EVERYTHING I could ask for but nothing I was ever looking for.

We met on a dating site and within the hour we were meeting for coffee. We didn’t have our first kiss until date 3ish and didn’t hit the sheets until the 4th. He swept me off my feet the way a lady should be. He took me on dates, kissed me in the rain and told me I am so fucking beautiful. And guess what!!? I believed him! Not like the other guys where I wanted to believe him, but deep down in the pit of my stomach knew he was the one.

There was some hesitation though, and let me point out none of these should have mattered but my whole life I have been somewhat superficial. He didn’t care what he looked like, he didn’t spend stupid amount of time gelling his hair, he worked hard (and by hard I mean this man will work 40+ days straight), he doesn’t wear flashy clothing or jewelry and has not a single tattoo. He has a licence AND his own vehicle. Oh my god right!!!

Some of you may say, well duh he sounds like a normal guy. Well please remember my life has been far from normal. I grew up seeing blood, knives, broken bottles, teeth knocked out and the love language I learnt was being touched at a far too young age by my step father. My idea of a normal man was pretty skewed.

So back to today. It’s been almost two months with my new beau and he asked me to travel with him to Alberta to meet his friends (pretty big deal right?) and to drive back with him. My first thought was fuck yea!!! This momma needs a break from the kids. Btw kids, if your reading this your momma loves you more than anything, but being a single mom means I need to plug in and power myself back up and to do that I need a break to recharge.

So off to cold ass Alberta I go. BUT WAIT!!!! My boyfriend didn’t get this far in life without being savvy with his money. I call him cheap hahaha, he says he’s smart, and to be completely honest I agree with him and am learning slowly how to not only travel light but live light (aside from my lashes, those bad boys are staying). Our flights from Abbotsford BC to Edmonton AB was only $39!! Hmmmm whats the catch?? Uhhm, that doesn’t include luggage, and when he said we were traveling with only a personal bag with the dimensions of 13x16x6 I saw this as a challenge and said BRING IT ON!!! This princess can do ANYTHING!!!

Well, I am in Alberta, I have no pyjamas (who sleeps in them anyways when the children aren’t around) and will alternate between one pair of nice leggings and my jeans. 3 pairs of panties, 1 bra, 1 sports bra, 3 pairs of socks, brush, toothbrush, two hair ties, minimal makeup that fit into a tiny pouch, iPad, two books, shakes, shaker bottle and my vitamins. Essentials. Everything I packed I absolutely could not leave without. This all fit into my big tote/travel purse.

I’m wondering how life will be without my straightener, moisturizer, hair products, face creams, sweatpants, hoodies, bronzers and whatever else I would have normally packed on a trip. Guess you’ll find out along the way like I will because I’ll be blogging this journey until home because not only is this about travelling light but about travelling with a man that I really like and who I think really likes me back. How will this go? Will he see the side of me he hasn’t yet? Will I get annoyed with the fact he doesn’t really listen to music? Or do opposites truly attract and it will be an experience that will set the tune for our relationship. Only time will tell.

Lastly, he made it work for me to meet up with my very close friend who I consider a sister. She was in Edmonton for the week and he brought me to her. If only for 30 minutes it meant the world to us both. He is the farthest thing from selfish and I can be the most selfish person at times. Almost worth saying love, but we’re not there yet, because this is normal and normal takes time. I also met his step-daughter and his best friends tonight. So far so good. A 10/10 for day one.

The journey is lifelong

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“True belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.” ~ Brene Brown

I have been reading the book Braving the Wilderness by Brene Brown, and it all makes so much sense to me. My whole life I have been craving attention and acceptance but all in the wrong way. I am starting to realize I am not as authentic as I say I am. Are any of us? In order to fully ditch the shame one must fully accept their mistakes and move forward.

I’ve come to realize I can be a shitty friend and person. I say I am drama free and I came across this quote “Some people are not addicted to drama, they truly just do not know how to move through their pain and let-go” ~Bryant McGill I want to be drama free but I am not sure I know how. I create drama because chaos is all I know. To unlearn a life of mistakes I must be even stronger than ever before.

I also came across this quote that really resonated with me “Sorry I’m a shitty friend. Sometimes I forget I exist outside my head” ~Author Unknown I have been so involved in my own shit I have forgotten about those around me.

Communication has got to be one of the hardest things for me. Just sitting here communicating through writing has me in tears because it brings up so much anxiety for me. We first learn how to communicate by watching those around us as babies and our younger years. What I learnt was that when I speak I get yelled at or beaten. I learnt that asking for attention got me grounded. I learnt to be a drama queen and get attention from others turning me into a spoiled brat. My fear of what would happen when seeking approval carried on into my adult life. Even in my early twenties I was afraid to ask my Grandma for anything in person (even though she rarely ever said no to me) and I would leave her notes. Rarely do I communicate face to face. Now we text, post and blog which is great for someone like me who is afraid of rejection and disapproval.

The sheer thought of being disagreed with face to face makes me scared. I get hot in the face, my palms sweat and then I fight back the tears. Reminds me of elementary school when if someone looked at me I would break down and cry leading me to be called a cry baby.

So with all this revelation and my book on braving the world I stand up and make a stand. I WILL break this cycle!! I WILL learn simple life skills I simply do not have yet, and I WILL succeed in being a happy and healed person. My journey will never be over!

XX Badass

My relationship with addiction

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“October 16, 2016 is my birthday; the day I started to really live. In my first year of sobriety I came out publicly about my childhood, I owned my story……..” we get the point. Wtf happened that I decided to start drinking after over two years of not drinking? Looks like I had it all figured out right? WRONG!! Judging a book by its cover goes hand in hand with assumptions.

Well let’s first point out I am not doing drugs and drugs was my issue and alcohol is not a drug unless you are in the program, and yea lets add that I have said many times something along the lines of “you’ll never see me smoke a joint and crave a rail where alcohol I would” well lets call it what it is. Bullshit! I’m a people pleaser to the worst extent. I will change myself to be liked by as many people as possible. Here’s the thing though; you cant please everyone. That saying about weed and drinking was all because I was justifying my marijuana use.

So why was I justifying my weed smoking? It is legal now, and well it is BC where we got some of the best weed ever (I have no facts on this but lets just agree on this) and almost everyone smokes (again speculation lol). When I quit partying I pretty much gave up my social life too and as a huge people person who thrives on human interaction I was missing something. I started going to meetings to make new friends and figure our sober life. Guess what though…… Smoking weed is not kosher in the recovery life. Well there goes that idea. So I just became a hermit and smoked a shit ton of weed. Like enough weed to call it a problem.

So cocaine and drinking to excessive pot smoking.

Then I started this local challenge called the Total Makeover Challenge www.totalmakeoverchallenge.com and the weed smoking paired with binge eating alone took over. This is the first time I have mentioned the binge eating, which I barely do anymore. 2017 was an epic year!! I was coming out of my shell and owning my life and my past and moving forward, but was living this lie of an unhappy marriage and forcing sobriety on my husband. When he left I was like yes!!! I can drink again!!! I was too afraid of other peoples opinions that I started over justifying why I was sober. I would excessively put myself down and only bring up the bad memories to remind myself I had to be sober to live this good life. Remember I grew up pretending and I am really really good at it.

2018 was not as great of a year. I had some successes, but I was lost as a person. Still sober though guys so life is great right? Wrong!! My addiction was now sex and acceptance. I will save my year breakdown for a book, and trust me it will be juicy, raw and hilarious. Between the game playing, ghosting, chasers, cheaters, occasional nice guys and all around fucktards it will be a read you wont want to put down. I will say this though…….

It all comes down to addiction “behaviour is reinforcing (rewarding or pleasurable), loss of control in limiting intake.”

Well then don’t worry guys! I’m only addicted to sex, drugs and food.

If your friend says “I had a tough day and I am going to wind down with a glass of wine” do you jump and say “but you drank a glass yesterday” or “that scares me” btw if you think someone has an actual problem I insist you have a gentle conversation with them. Maybe I shouldn’t have a glass of wine while blogging, or have a few drinks celebrating the New Year but thats my choice as an adult to make.

Tonight I enjoyed about 8 oz of wine while cleaning out my new office and blogging. Doesn’t seem too counterproductive to me.

I am not justifying my choices, but instead offering people an insight. When you’ve lived through the shit I have lived through it is sheer will and determination that I am not doing much worse than I am. I seek change and if people out there can relate with me and be vulnerable or at least be less hard on themselves my work is done. I have chosen to be easy on myself in 2019 and I really hope you will follow suit.

XX Badass