Month: November 2024

Monday blues? Not at all. I actually have bridal exhaustion. Today, however, was a great day. You know I prayed that I would have the wedding God intended us to have. I have unloaded a lot of stuff and things these past 6 months because they are just that; stuff and things.

Today my ring went in for sizing. We were using my late Grandmothers ring as a filler, but it is too tight and honestly I like it kept away. A possible engagement ring for one of my children maybe. It just holds an immense amount of wealth to me in my heart and I don’t want to lose a diamond or have it get stuck. She is put away safely and my ring will be ready in mere days.

A wedding dress has never been one of those childhood dreams of mine. Simply because my dreams never included a knight in shining armour because I do not believe in them. Actually I did not believe in a decent man ever. My girlfriend had an unworn dress and it is absolutely stunning. Way out of my price range, and it would suffice. Throw me into a wedding dress shop and I walk out with another dress that is so me it isn’t even funny! It radiates my personality and I love it.

I have not been sleeping well. I do not understand many things. I do know this. I have not forgiven my step dad for molesting me. I have ptsd. Simple and plain I have not given my trauma to God. I have learnt to hold onto my trauma and grow very thick leather like skin around it. It is seething out now though. I have night terrors that only one watching can see just how badly damaged I am from a lost childhood only I can try to understand. As my trauma is mine, and each person who has gone through it can understand.

So, I make an effort known to all that I give it to the Big Guy. I must learn to forgive. It is debilitating. I owe it to myself and to my future husband and children. I do grasp the reason to forgiveness, but struggle with it still. This is my first and most important thing to do on my to do list.

I just want everyone out there to know life is wonderful even with all the hard times we endure.

To my future husband that has the most patience I have ever seen in a person. “Our love is like the wind. I can’t see it, but I can feel it.” A Walk to Remember

XX B

We are certainly creatures of habit. As much as I try to grow as a person and a Christian I simply keep coming upon a speed bump, and some of them are increasingly large.

Today, Joshua woke up not well and it was the day he was to bring me to the church his family attends. It was launch day of their new location with a lunch to follow. Almost all of his family would be there. I have met them all, but only once or twice, and have not built a big relationship with them yet. The thought of going without him absolutely terrified me. I was not going to go, and my mind was internally made up. Joshua encouraged me to go, and after a quick bathroom trip I came out and said “well guess that is it. Jesus just told me I had to go.” To those that have not experienced the Holy Spirit yet; you know when you know. There is no denying the God Head. I knew I should go, and I have resisted God enough. If I am going to marry this man in front of our Father I had better start doing my part as the wife. I sure am happy I went.

I was rocked today! I have been to quite a few churches, and not one of them felt the way today’s worship and service made me feel. I cannot explain the explosion inside me. The filling of my heart. The moment I raised my arms above my head and worshipped as I felt called to do. This was huge. No worry. No fear in me. No anxiety about being judged. I felt it and I found my new home church I just knew it. Following church I had great conversations with Joshua’s family. The fire for Jesus I felt was such a peaceful feeling. I think I may be doing this thing called life right. Not perfect, but definitely on the right track.

These next 34 days we are trying to learn more about each other on a deeper level. Not on a physical level, but an understanding of each other. I have never been so sure of anything in my life than I am about my new life in Christ and the upcoming marriage to Joshua. It still shocks me the change I see in myself. From the fake nails that have fallen off. To the change from my bright red hair. To some piercings being taken out. To the wearing of certain clothing. To the language change, as you can tell from previous years blogs to now, you will not read another “F” bomb again from me. To the lack of bling I no longer need to wear to feel worthy.

I leave you with this.

“I’m not telling you it’s going to be easy, I’m telling you it’s going to be worth it.” Art Williams.

I actually don’t have commitment issues. What I have is completion issues. As I opened my blog publishing site I groaned and said ugh! Why did I commit to blogging everyday until my wedding? I did it because I have been called to, and it is important to build habit to the things that are important to me. I want to go into this marriage ready to crush my life goals. So I had better condition myself so I don’t groan about it after. What better way to begin blogging again and wondering what to blog about than to share my crazy 37 day journey!

Day 35 and I did not do a lot for the wedding, but I did confirm some things and make some appointments. I also gave into Joshua and listened to his advice about my failing hip. I am (after years of pain) going to go see a chiropractor again. As was explained to me, my hip never went back after Lucille’s birth. The older I get the more I hurt. The more weight I gain the slower I get. Monday I will also start going to the gym with Joshua and put the effort into my health, body and mind. Joshua loves me just the way I am, but I’m not getting any younger and we want to share as many years together as possible, so this is important to us both. I do not want to take my life for granted so I need to put my health at the forefront of my life along with God and my soon to be husband and children.

I am so grateful to be sober today. Because I can tell you first hand using drugs does take a toll. I was always tired and I literally slept my life away. Remember how I said yesterday how exhausted I was and how little I was sleeping since the proposal. Well last night was no different. Staying up into the wee hours of the morning talking and learning more about each other on a deeper level we realized we were actually talking until 530am! I honestly felt like a teenager who sat up all night on the phone. So 6am I finally fell asleep and 10am I was wide eyed and fully awake. I tried to nap and I could not. I have no desire to sleep away my life because I finally have a life worth living. Not because of Joshua, but because I have purpose now, and I did not have that without God.

I believe tonight I will sleep soundly and early.

Another love quote because I am so fully in love and want to share it with the world. I pray everyone finds their one.

“Thinking of you keeps me awake. Dreaming of you keeps me asleep. Being with you keeps me alive.” -Inconnu

XX B

Joshua is still alive. Check!

I am not a bridezilla. Check!

However, my maid of honour Samantha will say I yell a little, and I simply say I am passionate when I talk.

Day two of wedding planning has come to an end, and I can positively say I would make a great wedding planner. I have my guest list, venue, caterer, wedding party, dress, pastor, cake, bachelorette plan, flowers and decorations planned and in the binder. I have everyone delegated to their to do lists, and everyone important in the know. Phew!! Did I mention I’m exhausted?

Well first let’s start with some advice. Listen up men!! If you are going to propose I suggest you do not do it after 10 pm because my fiancé did it on a whim (we had been discussing marriage for months) and it was about 11:30 pm on a school night. I did not get to sleep until 4am. I had a 38 minute nap yesterday. Last night you would think I would have been in bed early, but nope it was 2am by the time my brain turned off and morning came quick and I generously accepted it. Here I am now blogging, and rewriting everything that my bridal party and I planned out tonight over coffee and laughs. Oh ya, did I mention I even have my newlywed suite booked and gifted to me by my Auntie? Yea that was also checked off the list!

It is amazing how fast this is coming together. Okay let’s get this out of the way. Why the heck am I getting married so fast? Well, Paul the Apostle said it was better to marry than to burn with passion. The conviction we feel is in the forefront of our relationship and we feel called to marry in front of God and to serve one master. Our Father. We cannot be one foot in and call ourselves Christians. Also, long story short (don’t worry long story will be told) God brought us together, you’ll understand later, and the confirmations that continue to reveal themselves is undoubtably undeniable! Joshua and I lived lives that some point their noses at, and that’s okay. Jesus loves the sinners, and the broken. We were both.

I am giving it all to our Lord to give us all we need. Yesterday I had no idea how I would pull this off, and today I am utterly amazed how fast it has come together and how less stressed I am. Our wedding is coming along just as it should.

This is my second wedding. The first was a lesson, a cry for acceptance and a possibility of family. It also was short lived and full of toxicity, drama and unfaithfulness. Joshua wants me to experience what I deserve and I also agree the same for him. We would 1000% elope tomorrow if we were selfish, but his Mom just so happens to be in town in December, and so our wedding date fell into our laps based off what was possible while not taking away from my fiancés birthday two days before and Christmas holidays that follow.

I for once in my life am truly authentic in everything I write. I also am not marrying for acceptance because I have been accepted by the only one that matters already. I feel free. I feel loved. I feel content.

Jerry Maguire couldn’t have said it any better. Joshua, “I love you. You complete me.”

XX B