Have you ever told someone you love them and they don’t say it back? Well last night this happened to me and guess what? Nothing, thats what. I wasn’t upset and hurt because it was followed by a reasonable explanation. One, I probably shouldn’t have spit it out after having a few drinks with friends, and I had texted it one time before, but I have been feeling “in love” for a little bit now. The great part is that this relationship has been so normal it is everything I have never experienced before in my entire life. There is no rush to say the big L word and I have been just fine saying the like word instead.
Your probably thinking wth he didn’t say it back!? Hahahaha, its okay calm down, I am glad he didn’t because when he says it (and I know he will) it will be special and mean more than it would have last night. Here’s the thing. He knows my entire past; the sex addict in me, the past party girl lifestyle, the sexual abuse and the fact I allowed myself to be a door mat to multiple people in my life. He sees me struggle with my children, and I allow myself to be disrespected out of fear of rejection from them. I walk on eggshells and sometimes give up because I have no more fight in me. That one unit parent thing……. it is a tough gig! Sometimes I will allow one of my kids to trample me down just so I don’t have to deal with the attitude. Guess what? It’s not a sexy attribute to watch your woman be a door mat, nor is it a great way to teach the kids to be successful members of society.
So when I let me guard down and told him I truly loved him he said he knew. Here’s the thing, I know he knows because when he looks at me and I look at him it is evident. He can’t say it until I love myself enough to stop allowing people (anyone that is not just my children) to use me, manipulate me or push me to my breaking point. There’s more though. I am so content and secure in myself and this relationship I don’t need to say it again anytime soon, nor do I need validation in our relationship. I don’t see either one of us running away from each other anytime soon.
WOW!!! What growth I see in myself from that co-dependant scared woman afraid to be alone that I needed to spend every moment with my man to the powerful ever changing woman I am today.
Today when I asked one of my children to do something it was followed by complete disobedience, and everything I said was turned around to make me out as if I was “trying to start a fight,” and it clicked!!! This was what he meant! I would typically give in to demands and be left feeling undefeated and more like the child than the parent. I want respect from my children and love from my man. I stuck to my guns and after my child realized I was not giving in to the bulldozing techniques gave in and did what was asked.
So you understand what I was asking for was nothing like child labour or to scrub toilets with a toothbrush! I asked for the bedroom to be moved to the opposite side of the basement so I no longer had to endure rap music late at night or giggling. You see, the kids have a room that is about the size of two living rooms with a fire place, and if they want these luxuries they need to pitch in and be a part of a functioning household. At first I was told I could do it hahahahaha yea no!
Does this mean he loves me now? Ah, no. However, it is a step in the right direction to standing up for myself and being the parent I know I can be.
As for our travels, thank goodness we did laundry yesterday because on our way back home today the wheel bearing blew in the truck leaving us halfway between Edmonton and Edson in -26 degree weather and no tow truck willing to come tow. Defeat? Nope! We drove 3 hours back towards Edmonton making it to Spruce Grove driving an average of 30 km an hour so we can get it fixed tomorrow (fingers crossed!)
Now for a check in on gratitude and mood. I am so fucking happy! I am happy to be with a man that looks me deep in my eyes and I can feel how he feels about me, and I am happy to be here in this moment keeping him company during a dreadfully long drive. I am grateful to have woken up today because the alternative sucks! And I am grateful the bearing blew and not the tire falling off or something terribly worse where one of us could have been hurt. Trucks are fixable.
That is all I have for you tonight. Until next time.
XX Badass Bon