It has been 218 days since my last blog post, and let me tell you I have tried to get back to my passion and writing but I just wasn’t ready. I would sit and stare at the screen with no ideas. I didn’t believe in myself anymore, but mainly it is because I got sidetracked.
This year I started off with my vision board and I was ready to get back to my work after failed relationships and heartaches and losses. My biggest goal was to stay single and focus; when out of nowhere I almost instantly fell in love with a man that made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. At first this was supposed to be casual but within days I was stuck to this man. We fell hard and fast. I had some of the best times of my life with him. He got me and I could be my weird self and never feel judged.
Well last month he proposed and I felt like my King had come to collect his Queen. The wedding planning commenced immediately. My wedding party was picked, my engagement party was a blast and I even got my wedding dress.
BUT LIFE IS NOT A FAIRY TALE AND NOT EVERYTHING THAT IS SHINY IS GOLD
Last week my insecurities got the best of me. Lightbulb moment dawned on me the other day that I have not healed from my abusive relationships. I am over the men that have abused me, but I never healed from being beaten, verbally abused and cheated on. I still believe I’m not worthy of love. This time the arguments and the insecurities were enough and he left me.
Breathe.
This and the many to come are going to be hard. This is part of my healing. I am going to embrace crying and I am going to work on being in a relationship with myself.
The first five days we were taking a moment. No he took a moment to “think” I cried uncontrollably and slept and refused to eat or drink. I did not take care of myself. I flet so abandoned and alone. My kids were gone and I sat alone feeling like my world stopped spinning. I found it hard to breathe through the tears and couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me.
Then he left. Done with me. I was devastated. This man love bombed me and made me feel something I actually never felt before. I would look into his eyes and I saw the universe looking back at me. I felt fireworks inside and I gave myself to him. I could never have a man touch me again but him. I could never kiss someone else again. This man was to be my husband and I was going to love him like he was the most important person in the world. I didn’t know what to do.
I was done crying hour after hour and day after day so I chose to fix my crown and reach out to friends. I pushed so many people away and most were willing to bring me back. I have surrounded myself with some friends all week and had some great laughs and some major cries. Through it all I know this. I need to get myself back. I gave my all into this relationship forgetting who I was and my goals. I became unmotivated and lost my passion. The narcissism from both sides killed us both. We both need to become better people before ever being with someone else.
But this is about me. I choose to be better. I look at the moments I tried to hurt him and I said things I shouldn’t have and realize that’s not me. Hurt people hurt people and I’m sick of being hurt and I certainly don’t want to hurt people. Where’s the woman people look up to. Where’s the woman people come to for strength. Well she lost her strength and had to go through a traumatic event to find her strength again.
So tomorrow I start the 100 day challenge of you. I always do the confidence challenge and do giveaways but there’s no tangible prize this time. This time the prize is self worth, realization, truth and healing. This is about becoming who we are meant to be and relearning focus. I’m so aware of my cycle of relationships and the common denominator is the way they all end. So I’m going back to my first goal of one year no dating and spending this next 100 days finding my worth.
I also am rebranding myself. My two businesses and remembering who the fuck I am.
I am Badass Bonnie and I have a mission to inspire others. To heal from my own trauma and help those around me to heal as well. I have the courage to be alone and grow into a person I can be proud of. I have the strength to be a powerful woman. I promise you I will be back on stages talking again and writing again.
Until next time.
XX Badass Bon