Monday blues? Not at all. I actually have bridal exhaustion. Today, however, was a great day. You know I prayed that I would have the wedding God intended us to have. I have unloaded a lot of stuff and things these past 6 months because they are just that; stuff and things.
Today my ring went in for sizing. We were using my late Grandmothers ring as a filler, but it is too tight and honestly I like it kept away. A possible engagement ring for one of my children maybe. It just holds an immense amount of wealth to me in my heart and I don’t want to lose a diamond or have it get stuck. She is put away safely and my ring will be ready in mere days.
A wedding dress has never been one of those childhood dreams of mine. Simply because my dreams never included a knight in shining armour because I do not believe in them. Actually I did not believe in a decent man ever. My girlfriend had an unworn dress and it is absolutely stunning. Way out of my price range, and it would suffice. Throw me into a wedding dress shop and I walk out with another dress that is so me it isn’t even funny! It radiates my personality and I love it.
I have not been sleeping well. I do not understand many things. I do know this. I have not forgiven my step dad for molesting me. I have ptsd. Simple and plain I have not given my trauma to God. I have learnt to hold onto my trauma and grow very thick leather like skin around it. It is seething out now though. I have night terrors that only one watching can see just how badly damaged I am from a lost childhood only I can try to understand. As my trauma is mine, and each person who has gone through it can understand.
So, I make an effort known to all that I give it to the Big Guy. I must learn to forgive. It is debilitating. I owe it to myself and to my future husband and children. I do grasp the reason to forgiveness, but struggle with it still. This is my first and most important thing to do on my to do list.
I just want everyone out there to know life is wonderful even with all the hard times we endure.
To my future husband that has the most patience I have ever seen in a person. “Our love is like the wind. I can’t see it, but I can feel it.” A Walk to Remember
XX B