My last post took me well over an hour to write, and it felt really liberating to let out so much that pains me. Looking back at that post I realize I am still learning to communicate. What if my adoptive family didn’t truly know the depth of how I feel. What is my posts hurt them too. I just dropped one of the biggest bombs of shame and I never thought any of it would hurt others. I made assumptions out of anger, and because these assumptions made sense to me I felt better.
Now, I offer my apologies to anyone in the line of fire.
Yes, I struggle with identity. Who I am, and where I came from, and especially the family identity and knowing people I share DNA with. My human needs test showed my top needs are love and connection/growth. I am tied by both, but I live life for love and connection. Now that I have explained my true feelings, and have heard other sides I realize we all hurt and need to heal. My little cousin calls me “a difference maker” in his family, and I just heard this today. I love the title and I will wear it proudly!!
My adoptive family is my family and some of them and I will never see eye to eye, and others I will love dearly with all of my heart.
As for my parents; my mom and step dad are living life together. I do not know what they think, or if they understand the true depth of damage they have done to me. All I can control is MY actions, and I live my life healing and getting to the point of no shame.
However, I must scream as loud as I can that I have found my biological father! My dad!! My dad and his wife who treat me like we were never apart! I meet them in less than two weeks, and I can feel it in my gut. The love, the connection, and the growth.
Please remember, if you are living in shame and it eats away at you there is hope. If you try to numb your shame and guilt because you believe you deserve nothing, you are wrong. ANYONE is capable of greatness! Join my tribe of shame fighters, and kick those beasts down!
#fuckshame
