Author: Bonnie Nicole

Monday blues? Not at all. I actually have bridal exhaustion. Today, however, was a great day. You know I prayed that I would have the wedding God intended us to have. I have unloaded a lot of stuff and things these past 6 months because they are just that; stuff and things.

Today my ring went in for sizing. We were using my late Grandmothers ring as a filler, but it is too tight and honestly I like it kept away. A possible engagement ring for one of my children maybe. It just holds an immense amount of wealth to me in my heart and I don’t want to lose a diamond or have it get stuck. She is put away safely and my ring will be ready in mere days.

A wedding dress has never been one of those childhood dreams of mine. Simply because my dreams never included a knight in shining armour because I do not believe in them. Actually I did not believe in a decent man ever. My girlfriend had an unworn dress and it is absolutely stunning. Way out of my price range, and it would suffice. Throw me into a wedding dress shop and I walk out with another dress that is so me it isn’t even funny! It radiates my personality and I love it.

I have not been sleeping well. I do not understand many things. I do know this. I have not forgiven my step dad for molesting me. I have ptsd. Simple and plain I have not given my trauma to God. I have learnt to hold onto my trauma and grow very thick leather like skin around it. It is seething out now though. I have night terrors that only one watching can see just how badly damaged I am from a lost childhood only I can try to understand. As my trauma is mine, and each person who has gone through it can understand.

So, I make an effort known to all that I give it to the Big Guy. I must learn to forgive. It is debilitating. I owe it to myself and to my future husband and children. I do grasp the reason to forgiveness, but struggle with it still. This is my first and most important thing to do on my to do list.

I just want everyone out there to know life is wonderful even with all the hard times we endure.

To my future husband that has the most patience I have ever seen in a person. “Our love is like the wind. I can’t see it, but I can feel it.” A Walk to Remember

XX B

We are certainly creatures of habit. As much as I try to grow as a person and a Christian I simply keep coming upon a speed bump, and some of them are increasingly large.

Today, Joshua woke up not well and it was the day he was to bring me to the church his family attends. It was launch day of their new location with a lunch to follow. Almost all of his family would be there. I have met them all, but only once or twice, and have not built a big relationship with them yet. The thought of going without him absolutely terrified me. I was not going to go, and my mind was internally made up. Joshua encouraged me to go, and after a quick bathroom trip I came out and said “well guess that is it. Jesus just told me I had to go.” To those that have not experienced the Holy Spirit yet; you know when you know. There is no denying the God Head. I knew I should go, and I have resisted God enough. If I am going to marry this man in front of our Father I had better start doing my part as the wife. I sure am happy I went.

I was rocked today! I have been to quite a few churches, and not one of them felt the way today’s worship and service made me feel. I cannot explain the explosion inside me. The filling of my heart. The moment I raised my arms above my head and worshipped as I felt called to do. This was huge. No worry. No fear in me. No anxiety about being judged. I felt it and I found my new home church I just knew it. Following church I had great conversations with Joshua’s family. The fire for Jesus I felt was such a peaceful feeling. I think I may be doing this thing called life right. Not perfect, but definitely on the right track.

These next 34 days we are trying to learn more about each other on a deeper level. Not on a physical level, but an understanding of each other. I have never been so sure of anything in my life than I am about my new life in Christ and the upcoming marriage to Joshua. It still shocks me the change I see in myself. From the fake nails that have fallen off. To the change from my bright red hair. To some piercings being taken out. To the wearing of certain clothing. To the language change, as you can tell from previous years blogs to now, you will not read another “F” bomb again from me. To the lack of bling I no longer need to wear to feel worthy.

I leave you with this.

“I’m not telling you it’s going to be easy, I’m telling you it’s going to be worth it.” Art Williams.

I actually don’t have commitment issues. What I have is completion issues. As I opened my blog publishing site I groaned and said ugh! Why did I commit to blogging everyday until my wedding? I did it because I have been called to, and it is important to build habit to the things that are important to me. I want to go into this marriage ready to crush my life goals. So I had better condition myself so I don’t groan about it after. What better way to begin blogging again and wondering what to blog about than to share my crazy 37 day journey!

Day 35 and I did not do a lot for the wedding, but I did confirm some things and make some appointments. I also gave into Joshua and listened to his advice about my failing hip. I am (after years of pain) going to go see a chiropractor again. As was explained to me, my hip never went back after Lucille’s birth. The older I get the more I hurt. The more weight I gain the slower I get. Monday I will also start going to the gym with Joshua and put the effort into my health, body and mind. Joshua loves me just the way I am, but I’m not getting any younger and we want to share as many years together as possible, so this is important to us both. I do not want to take my life for granted so I need to put my health at the forefront of my life along with God and my soon to be husband and children.

I am so grateful to be sober today. Because I can tell you first hand using drugs does take a toll. I was always tired and I literally slept my life away. Remember how I said yesterday how exhausted I was and how little I was sleeping since the proposal. Well last night was no different. Staying up into the wee hours of the morning talking and learning more about each other on a deeper level we realized we were actually talking until 530am! I honestly felt like a teenager who sat up all night on the phone. So 6am I finally fell asleep and 10am I was wide eyed and fully awake. I tried to nap and I could not. I have no desire to sleep away my life because I finally have a life worth living. Not because of Joshua, but because I have purpose now, and I did not have that without God.

I believe tonight I will sleep soundly and early.

Another love quote because I am so fully in love and want to share it with the world. I pray everyone finds their one.

“Thinking of you keeps me awake. Dreaming of you keeps me asleep. Being with you keeps me alive.” -Inconnu

XX B

Joshua is still alive. Check!

I am not a bridezilla. Check!

However, my maid of honour Samantha will say I yell a little, and I simply say I am passionate when I talk.

Day two of wedding planning has come to an end, and I can positively say I would make a great wedding planner. I have my guest list, venue, caterer, wedding party, dress, pastor, cake, bachelorette plan, flowers and decorations planned and in the binder. I have everyone delegated to their to do lists, and everyone important in the know. Phew!! Did I mention I’m exhausted?

Well first let’s start with some advice. Listen up men!! If you are going to propose I suggest you do not do it after 10 pm because my fiancé did it on a whim (we had been discussing marriage for months) and it was about 11:30 pm on a school night. I did not get to sleep until 4am. I had a 38 minute nap yesterday. Last night you would think I would have been in bed early, but nope it was 2am by the time my brain turned off and morning came quick and I generously accepted it. Here I am now blogging, and rewriting everything that my bridal party and I planned out tonight over coffee and laughs. Oh ya, did I mention I even have my newlywed suite booked and gifted to me by my Auntie? Yea that was also checked off the list!

It is amazing how fast this is coming together. Okay let’s get this out of the way. Why the heck am I getting married so fast? Well, Paul the Apostle said it was better to marry than to burn with passion. The conviction we feel is in the forefront of our relationship and we feel called to marry in front of God and to serve one master. Our Father. We cannot be one foot in and call ourselves Christians. Also, long story short (don’t worry long story will be told) God brought us together, you’ll understand later, and the confirmations that continue to reveal themselves is undoubtably undeniable! Joshua and I lived lives that some point their noses at, and that’s okay. Jesus loves the sinners, and the broken. We were both.

I am giving it all to our Lord to give us all we need. Yesterday I had no idea how I would pull this off, and today I am utterly amazed how fast it has come together and how less stressed I am. Our wedding is coming along just as it should.

This is my second wedding. The first was a lesson, a cry for acceptance and a possibility of family. It also was short lived and full of toxicity, drama and unfaithfulness. Joshua wants me to experience what I deserve and I also agree the same for him. We would 1000% elope tomorrow if we were selfish, but his Mom just so happens to be in town in December, and so our wedding date fell into our laps based off what was possible while not taking away from my fiancés birthday two days before and Christmas holidays that follow.

I for once in my life am truly authentic in everything I write. I also am not marrying for acceptance because I have been accepted by the only one that matters already. I feel free. I feel loved. I feel content.

Jerry Maguire couldn’t have said it any better. Joshua, “I love you. You complete me.”

XX B

Okay, okay, okay. How many times do I need to restart and come back here professing my new found life to the world? As many times as I need to until I have it figured out. That is the beauty in being human and having found Christ. Being the daughter of God and being forgiven of all my sins.

I cannot count the times I have done this first time back blog post, but this time is different you see. I have been found. I found my place in the world and have been given a new found lease on life.

So without boring you; quick update. I am sober again. Yes, I remember the journey years back where I was vulnerably authentic and was inspiring many to lead a great life, and then out of nowhere I started drinking and slowly found my way to the lost path again. I really didn’t like admitting I had a problem.

Awhile back in Osoyoos I met an incredible woman, and she said why aren’t you writing? This is your gift and you need to be sharing it. I should have taken her advice, but I simply was not there yet. I was hard core partying and did not want to share that nor fake how great my life was not because that is not being authentic.

If not now, when? Well, NOW!!! I would love to blog how Joshua and I met, and I likely will, but as I go through my journey from Ms. Johnstone to Mrs. McNeil I will commit to blogging my journey. The journey of the 37 day engagement and all the crazy! That’s right, I got engaged last night, and the wedding is in 37 days. I have my wedding party in place and my to do list is growing. My baptism is being planned right now by two of the bossiest women I know! Hahahaha just kidding Cristina and Rachel!! You two are amazing and our humour is next level, but please no blanket giving at either event! Hahahaha inside joke!!!

And so, I keep this entry short and sweet as I barely got any sleep, and I have a wedding planning evening ahead of me and a daily list of things to do.

So in all honesty, thank you to those who have supported me from the beginning where I thought I was ready for this. I assure you that was simply a preview because this time I have been given a new lease and my journey now includes God. All those years of resistance got me to exactly where I needed to be so that I would end up right where I am today. Sober. Of sound mind, and in love with not only God, but my future husband and myself .

XX B

Trying is lying!!

Vulnerability is sexy!!

Truth speaks!!

Honesty and full transparency is key!!

Hello, I’m Bonnie and I’m an alcoholic. Ickkkk!!! I absolutely hated saying that when I was in recovery all those years ago. When life was “figured” out. When I was blowing up as a public speaker. When I was being told I was the next big thing. I was actively trying to get on the Ellen show with my message. I was applying for Big Brother Canada yearly. Won those two titles, was authored and had it “all figured out” I WAS TRYING AND I WAS LOST!!

I began my recovery to save my marriage. Remember that one after 21 days of dating. Yea the one that should’ve never happened. Then I began drinking and I recall many being supportive in my choices because I’m an adult and I’ll do what I want, but there were others scared and those ones made me want to drink more to prove I can handle myself just fine!!

I’m ready to share the moment I chose to drink after having 3 years sobriety. My then boyfriend offered me a sip of his drink. Pina colada breezer; he said it’s really good you’ll like it. I replied, but I’m an alcoholic I told you I don’t drink. He said “Bonnie, normal people drink!” So I took a sip and boy did it taste like a damn dream. Cold, refreshing and grabbing me into its deep embrace once again. My boyfriend dropped me off at home and I waved and walked slowly to my front door. The second he was gone I went to my vehicle and drove my “normal” ass to the closest beer store. What started as a couple drinks a night because I slept so great after turned into a dumpster fire of poor choices, sleepless nights, abusive men, arguments with my children, depression and more addictions.

I also stopped speaking, stopped sharing and lost my passion for helping the world.

Seven days ago I realized I hadn’t had a drink in three days. Today I am grateful to be ten days sober!! So much greatness has happened, but this time is different than last time. I am not angry at those around me that can still drink, or choose to. I am not missing out or feel like I’m missing anything for that matter. I did it for me this time and that’s literally the only way you can make this work! I should know that considering I had alcoholic/addict parents. Also, this time is different because I opened my heart to God. I started seeing massive changes in my life the SECOND I welcomed him into my life. I am certain of so many things because of this new lease on life.

I no longer am napping, I’m waking up every morning, I’m making conscious efforts to a healthy life, I am open to forgiveness and I am gentle on myself as my recovery is not a race to those around me. I am actually so happy to live!! To heal. To love!!!!

I cannot wait to share everything else with you along my journey. Just know I’m back!! This time I’m stronger though and my foundation is being built brick by brick and by hand so I know it will be strong and cannot be broken.

So with that being said. Let’s bring back my challenges. Today we begin 100 days of gratitude on my Facebook page. I used to do 100 days of confidence, but I feel when we are grateful we are confident.

Stay Badass

XX Badass Bon

Let’s not even discuss how long it has been since I’ve written. Let’s also save many questions for other blog posts (because I need the content) and allow me to be me on me time.

Today my first born son turned 21, and as my daughter helped me clean I realized (for the hundredth time) how fucking great my children are!! Most importantly that they are because of me, but because of others too.

I was just sitting on the couch thinking how in debt I am and how much effort I put into my future success because it is not an overnight expedition but one of pure dedication. I got all nostalgic and started thinking about my grandma and her giving nature and how I never needed for anything. From a $49,000 truck and $35,000 fifth wheel (because I absolutely needed to stay on the carnival in comfort) to the boxes of diapers from Costco on the kitchen island every Friday. I never did month to month insurance. Budgeting? What is that? These last 20 years have molded me into who I am today. I also cannot regret not learning my hustle much sooner.

Then I look at my children. 21 full time job. Great beautiful girlfriend. Bought his own car (right handed and he still won’t let me drive it!!). He doesn’t party. He doesn’t act a fool. He’s a damn fine young man!!! PS Lucille you’ll get your recognition post on the 28th lol. He stands up for his opinions and doesn’t sway. He is no pushover. He has so many of my qualities and is doing everything I could ever dream for him (aside from maybe some post secondary education hint hint) and I’m just so proud of him. He did it!!! Thank goodness because learning to be an adult at a young age is so much smarter than learning at mine.

He told me a story tonight about work and how he was recognized as being one of the best salesperson, not for his high earnings but for his humbleness, morals and all around ethics. I seen my Grandma in him and I realized that is from me as she died 20 years ago.

I am not even close to perfect. I have made a million mistakes, but I am me. I did the best I could with the tools I had and have continued to build up my tool box as I age. I will not hide the choice I made to kick Jack out at 14, and although he carries many of my great qualities he also was hoarding my bad ones. I can not foresee the alternate future had he stayed with me. I had a wave of emotion as I celebrated my son on his birthday and thought damn WE did a good job. We as in the family that took him in. That accepted my son as their own and now I share him. I am his Mother. I birthed him. I raised him. I co-slept with him. I potty trained him. Taught him so so much, but he has a whole other Mom, and although he may not call her Mom I wholeheartedly respect her as his Mom. I owe her a million thank you’s. I wish I could have shared his earlier years with you, but you guided him through his teen years and look at how amazing this young man turned out!! Thank you!! Your husband and you did a stand up job!!

Taking in an intergenerational indigenous child is never an easy feat, but you guys succeeded. He was saved many more traumas and got to see things I never could have shown him.

Thinking about all this it hit me that I needed to write again. I need to heal more. I need to share. I need to be me again. Wasted talent is a wasted life.

So what was it then? It felt like love and it was intense and I gave myself and my will away for the feeling of being wanted. It stabbed me in my heart when he left. It absolutely destroyed me to find out days after me he was already trying to hook up with not only random women but his friends girlfriends. It gutted me to find women’s belongings in my vehicle. It almost made me feel like giving up on living. I actually lived for him and not myself and my children.

Why would I do that? Why would I be so blinded and believe lies I knew were truths? Well it’s called trauma bond. You think it is love but once it’s gone and you do the research it all makes sense. The highs and lows of our relationship were like a roller coaster. The highs were soooo great but the lows and verbal abuse and anger towards me were extreme lows. Once he was gone the hurt I felt was a loss of dopamine and me craving not him but the highs and lows. I didn’t know what to do with myself. I am not used to all this calm so I crave him like a drug. I crave the emotional roller coaster because I don’t know what to do with this calm.

Yes, I still hurt but I hurt less today then I did yesterday. Each and every day is a gift and a chance to be better. I acknowledge my part in all of this and I also know I allowed myself to be used.

I can’t sit and wait for him to say sorry. I can’t sit and be sad that he’s moved on. I no longer choose to be his door mat. I choose me. I choose growth and I choose to succeed.

To the next man that thinks they can date me. Stop. Turn around. Walk away. This woman has some major healing to do and it will not be done over night.

Stay Badass!

XX Badass Bon

It has been 218 days since my last blog post, and let me tell you I have tried to get back to my passion and writing but I just wasn’t ready. I would sit and stare at the screen with no ideas. I didn’t believe in myself anymore, but mainly it is because I got sidetracked.

This year I started off with my vision board and I was ready to get back to my work after failed relationships and heartaches and losses. My biggest goal was to stay single and focus; when out of nowhere I almost instantly fell in love with a man that made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world. At first this was supposed to be casual but within days I was stuck to this man. We fell hard and fast. I had some of the best times of my life with him. He got me and I could be my weird self and never feel judged.

Well last month he proposed and I felt like my King had come to collect his Queen. The wedding planning commenced immediately. My wedding party was picked, my engagement party was a blast and I even got my wedding dress.

BUT LIFE IS NOT A FAIRY TALE AND NOT EVERYTHING THAT IS SHINY IS GOLD

Last week my insecurities got the best of me. Lightbulb moment dawned on me the other day that I have not healed from my abusive relationships. I am over the men that have abused me, but I never healed from being beaten, verbally abused and cheated on. I still believe I’m not worthy of love. This time the arguments and the insecurities were enough and he left me.

Breathe.

This and the many to come are going to be hard. This is part of my healing. I am going to embrace crying and I am going to work on being in a relationship with myself.

The first five days we were taking a moment. No he took a moment to “think” I cried uncontrollably and slept and refused to eat or drink. I did not take care of myself. I flet so abandoned and alone. My kids were gone and I sat alone feeling like my world stopped spinning. I found it hard to breathe through the tears and couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me.

Then he left. Done with me. I was devastated. This man love bombed me and made me feel something I actually never felt before. I would look into his eyes and I saw the universe looking back at me. I felt fireworks inside and I gave myself to him. I could never have a man touch me again but him. I could never kiss someone else again. This man was to be my husband and I was going to love him like he was the most important person in the world. I didn’t know what to do.

I was done crying hour after hour and day after day so I chose to fix my crown and reach out to friends. I pushed so many people away and most were willing to bring me back. I have surrounded myself with some friends all week and had some great laughs and some major cries. Through it all I know this. I need to get myself back. I gave my all into this relationship forgetting who I was and my goals. I became unmotivated and lost my passion. The narcissism from both sides killed us both. We both need to become better people before ever being with someone else.

But this is about me. I choose to be better. I look at the moments I tried to hurt him and I said things I shouldn’t have and realize that’s not me. Hurt people hurt people and I’m sick of being hurt and I certainly don’t want to hurt people. Where’s the woman people look up to. Where’s the woman people come to for strength. Well she lost her strength and had to go through a traumatic event to find her strength again.

So tomorrow I start the 100 day challenge of you. I always do the confidence challenge and do giveaways but there’s no tangible prize this time. This time the prize is self worth, realization, truth and healing. This is about becoming who we are meant to be and relearning focus. I’m so aware of my cycle of relationships and the common denominator is the way they all end. So I’m going back to my first goal of one year no dating and spending this next 100 days finding my worth.

I also am rebranding myself. My two businesses and remembering who the fuck I am.

I am Badass Bonnie and I have a mission to inspire others. To heal from my own trauma and help those around me to heal as well. I have the courage to be alone and grow into a person I can be proud of. I have the strength to be a powerful woman. I promise you I will be back on stages talking again and writing again.

Until next time.

XX Badass Bon

Well we made it through 2020. The year we learned to live through a pandemic, wear masks everywhere (which I still find weird going into a bank looking like a robber lol) and navigate social distancing rules. Some of us fared well others did not. I had some serious ups and downs with my depression. Let go of a guy I totally fell in love with, and entered a relationship with a man I should’ve listened to from the get go (more on that in a later post maybe) and probably partied more than I should have.

I realized more in the last month than I did in the last year. Here are some of my realizations.

If you eat like shit you’ll feel like shit and most likely end up looking like shit. May seem harsh, but this goes for overindulging in partying too. Neither one makes me feel good. If you can party hard and eat crap day in and day out and feel and look great then good on ya. Me, not so much. The added 25 pounds this year has given me has made me slower, foggier and unhappy. Lesson learned; take care of yourself. Eat from home. If you’re ordering in because you’re hungover stop drinking. Drink water because you’re not getting any younger and your skin needs water, and pay attention to how your body feels after what you fuel it with.

Not everyone deserves your time nor has your best interests in mind. Getting into a relationship is the easy part, but walking away when it doesn’t serve you is the hard part. Not for all, but for some. This was the first time I actually ended a relationship that didn’t serve me, however playing games and doing the back and forth game is pointless. Lesson learnt; walk away once so to save yourself the need to walk away again. Give yourself credit for knowing the right thing to do.

Renting space in your head rent free is literally giving someone somewhere to live for free! The drama this past summer was undoubtedly the worst I have dealt with. It should have stayed in the summer but I allowed it to continue. Let’s be real, I don’t mess around. If someone shit talks me or has an issue I will not back down. I have spent enough years being intimidated that this word simply isn’t in my vocabulary anymore. Yet here I am caught up in drama that was unnecessary. Lesson learnt; walk away from drama and remember other people’s opinions of me aren’t my business.

Falling in love is easy. Falling out is hard. Finding yourself and falling in love with yourself is worthwhile. I spent the better part of this year building a friendship with someone that sparked my soul and made me laugh like I have never laughed before. Literally the main reason I survived the initial lockdown back in Spring. Sometimes though we meet people not for a lifetime but for a reason or a season. Lesson learnt. Just because things don’t work out doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you. Meeting people and building connections are important in life. We learn and grow throughout every connection we make.

Sometimes holding a grudge is dumb. It always hurt my heart to not talk to my Auntie. The one that practically raised me. We are both so damn stubborn we almost made it to the 4 year mark of not one word spoken to each other. Over 39 years I think we had a fight like this one 2 maybe 3 times where we went years not talking. This time though I thought it was over. I never tried reaching out, as my abandonment issues were screaming noooooo, we cannot handle another loss. So life went on, kids turned into almost adults, my marriage became a divorce. Death, oh so much death from a brother to a brother in-law to many many friends. The second we began talking last month though it was a relief to have someone from my past back in my life. Someone who didn’t judge me and I truly love as one of the most important family members I have. Lesson learnt; the 72 hour rule will suffice no need to make it into a 4 year rule. Life is too fucking short to cut important people out of your lives. Also, sometimes you need to admit your part in things. Sometimes our actions hurt others and that’s okay. Communicate. Apologize. Move on. Before it’s too late.

I could go on with more of these realizations but I think this is good. I have a solid foundation for how I want to continue 2021. Single, because I am not alone just because I’m a single woman. I have killer friends who I can count on in the worst of times from bringing me coffee at 630am on a Saturday because I was up all night worried sick as a parent, or the ones who show up with a doobie and hugs after my heart was broken, or the ones that call the second I made a post that seems out of character, to the ones that have become my tribe to help me raise a teenager and all the others with their words of encouragement, love and strength. It is all of you that fill my cup.

I’m also really wanting to focus back on my health. Time to lose that added Covid/booze weight and get back on track. When you fuel your body right you feel right, and when you work your body out it actually helps your mind with focus and reaching not just fitness goals but all your other goals. Today I created my vision board and I’m ready to kick off the year right. I woke up sober and feeling great. I may not have achieved all my daily goals but I attempted them, and I feel successful in my day.

Thank you for reading. I hope you too have some attainable goals set for the year and have gone through your realizations and lessons learned. Let’s blow this year up! Time to stand up, rise up and show up!

XX Badassbon