Stop giving your power away

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I spent 8 long years trying to make a destructive relationship work. I walked away with my head hanging low and severely low self worth. I also walked away with an amazing little boy who thinks I am a hero. A lot of people say things like; why did you stay so long, why didn’t you JUST leave, why did you give him your power…. you get the idea. I was a strong woman when I met this man, but had absolutely no healing done from my childhood of sexual, physical and emotional abuse. I was loud, rambunctious and full of life ready and willing to be the center of attention at any party. I was known as always being fun to party with and keeping one going until the wee mornings. I was actually very tired from all the partying when I met this man so I was willing to give it all up for the one and “settle down,” boy was I in for a roller coaster ride.

I will admit I gave too much of myself in the beginning. Dropped all my friends and gave every spare minute I had to him. Soon I was head over heels in love, and he said he loved me too. Once I was all in the abuse started. A beating here, a spit in my face there, snarky comments and seclusion from everyone but him. I don’t want to go into full detail on what I endured but give you a picture of how severe this relationship was. By the time I left the relationship I had completely become someone different. Still loud, but not nearly as often. Afraid of how stupid people would think my ideas and opinions were. I rarely spoke up and if I did it was to one or two people and behind closed doors. I even remember starting a blog, but after my first post I said nope not doing that again….. way to vulnerable for me, and people probably wouldn’t read it anyways. I’m just a dumb Indian that no one cares about. Just another statistic.

It took me 5 months to open a new fb account. Even though I was free of him he still controlled me. I was so scared that he would see my account and reign hell on me. His voice was with me everywhere I went “you’re ugly like your mom”, “you’ll never find someone like me” and “you’re a pig.” Everything I did I did with tremendous fear. Going out into public scared the living shit out of me. I thought everyone was looking at me and knew how disgusting I was. I assumed people were laughing at me and knew I was a complete failure.

Fast forward to today. It has been over 13 years since I met that man, and I am taking a stand. No fucking more! Not just to him but anyone that makes me feel less than I know I am. My value is high in this world.

I had this epiphany last weekend when yet again we were being keyboard warriors arguing through text about how he will withhold child support because I withhold our child. Let me please point out I do not enjoy holding our child hostage. It hurts me a great deal watching my son cry for his Dad he misses so much, but someone needs to be the adult and that person is me. When it comes to the safety of my child I have to make the hard decisions about what is safe and what is considered proper parenting. When your “sober” when you see your child but using extremely unsafe drugs and participating in scary behaviour it is my duty as his Mother to make sure he never becomes collateral damage. Supervised visits are few and far between but that is not my issue. What I can do is enforce my own love to our child tenfold so he knows just how special he is. He has no shortage of love.

But, this isn’t about our child or my parenting. It is what happens when we argue that is the topic. After I argue with him I go into a funk. My boyfriend knows what’s up and it impacts our relationship which is a huge no no in my book! Do you allow other relationships to pour into your life like poison? That is what it really is. POISON. Do I need to engage? No. Do I need to remind him of his shortcomings? No. Do I need to put him down because he angers me? Fuck no. So why do I then? Repeated behaviours, cycles and not being aware of my emotions. So take a step back. Is it hard to not involve myself in this anymore? Absolutely not!

It comes down to boundaries. These need to be put into place to ensure success. Blocking his number and having a third person do the communication; this is also important because now the communication is only pertaining to details of visits and the child. Sticking to my guns. This is a hard one. I used to give in all the time, but as I have become stronger in my own recovery (how that looks for me) and have a clear idea on what is acceptable and not acceptable. Putting a rule into place means sticking to that rule!! NO MATTER WHAT!!!! Doing these steps allows me to breathe and fully move on in life, and not be subject to any outrages or comments made out of anger. I don’t need to be told I am a bad mom because I am not. I may have made some poor choices in the past as a mom, but that is the past, something that can not be undone, and I live in the present planning for the future.

So I leave you with this. Brene Brown said this “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we disappoint others.”

XX Badass Bon

Being your own worst critic

Posted on Categories Aboriginal, abuse, addict, addictions, alcoholic, Alcoholism, authenticity, Badass, Dating, Empowerment, friendship, Historical trauma, sobriety, succeeding2 Comments on Being your own worst critic

I had friends as a child, but not many. I felt different. Maybe it was the colour of my skin, the fact I was adopted into my family with my Mother, possibly it was because I had to put on a brave face knowing that being touched was not normal. I screamed out for attention, for someone to stop it, for someone to take me away. I felt different and I didn’t like it.

Into my teen years I wasn’t the popular kid but my personality wanted that popularity. I remember going to school in grade 7 or 8 wearing a bra and another girl pointing to me and saying “why are you wearing that? You don’t need it” the thing is I did. I didn’t want my small bust to be seen. I didn’t want to be different. I wanted to be beautiful. I had enough of school and trying to fit in, so I dropped out at 14 and no one cared.

I started to find people that thought I was cool. High school drop outs, drinkers and drug users, drug dealers and people much older than me. I found my place, or so I thought, in a world of dysfunctional people. By 15 I was having sex with anyone who I thought was the one and who could possibly be the person to save me from this miserable world. Selling drugs and doing illegal activities navigating a life of crime became my norm. I found another group of people that accepted me as I was, broken and damaged, in the carnival. I travelled with them for many years. Just another title to be added to the list; Carnie.

The thing was, I had come from a wealthy family. I lived in a mansion. I was given whatever I asked for. By 23 I was driving a $50,000 truck pulling my house trailer with my small family I had started. I had my children with a man 14 years older than me thinking I hit the jackpot. He was not my type, but he spoiled me and loved me; that’s all that matters right? To be loved? I had no idea my opinions mattered, and I certainly didn’t think anyone else would love me so I settled. The relationship was short lived and being a single mom became my new title.

What happened next was what started my downward spiral in life. I found I was good at playing poker, snorting cocaine and partying hard!! I lived a fast and hard life with no dreams or goals. When I changed my life around I assumed because of my past I had no right being equals to people with a life of value. I was the scum of the Earth in my eyes.

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I’m a people person. I can be in a room and people gravitate towards me. Why couldn’t this be the case when I was younger? I had no idea what mindset could do. I was stuck in my victim hoodie wrapped tight not allowing anyone truly into my life. I hid the abuse from people because I was sick of being judged. So I continued my life thinking my people were addicts, drug dealers and people with no drive in life. I never imagined people who had houses, jobs and families would actually like me once they knew what kind of life I lead.

This past weekend was one of great aha moments. I was embraced once again by a community of women with one common desire; to change the world with our stories. That although our stories are similar or completely not we all matter and when we share we learn, and when we learn we grow. We really are the sum of the 5 people we hang out with the most, so I really needed to evaluate those I surround myself with. I am determined now more than ever to grow my business, make a difference in the world and leave a legacy. Tomorrow is not promised and when I am no longer here I want to be remembered as the woman who gave people their voices back.

Mindset is a wonderful thing! Let me elaborate, as you may be sitting there thinking this is all hogwash bullshit. When I started dating my now boyfriend we couldn’t spend the night together because he wakes up at stupid o’clock (430am) and I snore like a freight train and stop breathing on average 270+ times a night. Yes I have sever sleep apnea. Well, I told him I can get the machine, but I already tried it “I simply cannot wear the mask through the night!” I was actually wearing my victim hoodie again. I cant sleep at night because I have nightmares (I do), I can’t wear the mask because I feel someone is strangling me (I did), I can’t go to bed early because I am scared of the night (Iam) see the connections…. I CANT I CANT I CANT!!! Well he started spending the night with me and making me feel safe making sure I kept the mask on, and 5 months later I can say I do wear the mask and actually choose to not skip a night without it. I go to bed with him because I want to. I rarely have nightmares and if I do I choose to cuddle up next to him to feel safe. Instead of I can’t I choose and I do.

I have also taken off that victim hoodie and burned the darn thing! We are not our trauma, however we are what we choose to do about it. Yea I got dealt some pretty shitty cards, but I don’t want to dwell on it. I will talk about it because I believe sharing our stories help others, but instead of as a victim I share as a survivor thriving in todays world! I have friends who give meaning to my life and fill my cup with love.

Are your friends filling your cup or draining it? When you surround yourself with the right people you start to believe in yourself. When you visualize your success you start acting on it, and when you change how you talk you begin to live differently. Instead of saying I can’t next time say I can. The next time you want to make an excuse choose not to.

I leave you with that today and I know if I can change so can you!

XX Badass Bon

Saying no should not be so difficult

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Why is it so hard to say no, or it is okay or I am sorry. In the world of social media and being able to contact people at a whim I find people will simply ignore. Heck, I do it too. The guys that message me each and every morning and do not take the hint by me leaving them unread, the friend that wants to gossip or the constant people trying to show me their businesses. The thing is, sometimes I am that person left unread or ignored.

When I gather the courage to ask someone of something and I am ignored the feeling in the pit of my stomach is one that brings me back to my childhood. I am constantly looking for reassurance and acceptance. Just because I help others with these struggles doesn’t mean I am immune to them myself. It really hurts my feelings, but I get it. I don’t like saying no because I don’t want to hurt feelings, but saying no is actually more beneficial to me and those around me. So next time I ask someone something and they can’t help I hope they say no, because ignoring me hurts way more. It makes me feel abandoned when it took me such courage to ask in the first place. It makes me question our friendship and if you respect me as a person.

Now this goes for me too. A couple weeks ago someone offered me a long overdue apology and I really wanted to ignore it, but instead I said thank you. I mean it wasn’t that hard at all, and it most likely validated his feelings of doing the right thing. If I would have ignored the apology I believe he would be stuck in his head about why he doesn’t deserve forgiveness.

This urge to people please is evident in more people than just me. Here’s the thing though. We aren’t supposed to please everyone. We aren’t supposed to all agree on everything. Life would be damn boring if we all had the same opinion don’t you think? I promote you to discuss your opinions even if they are different from mine. You may not sway my thoughts, but a good debate is always in good fun I believe.

We all need to use our voice more. We need to speak up and out much more often and discuss issues. We need to reach out to our friends more. We need to learn to say no when we want to and without explanation because no is a complete sentence.

So I challenge myself, and some of these things I have been doing already. If I am not interested in a product I will say so, if someone keeps waving in my inbox or messaging me I will tell them I am not interested and to please stop and if someone asks me a question I don’t want to say yes to I will say no. I will also start having more discussions because this opens the door for more learning. I will listen to peoples opinions on things and possibly open my eyes to a different way of thinking. I will stop ignoring people because I know the feeling simply doesn’t feel good and I will continue to reach out to my tribe. Now I challenge yourself to do the same.

XX Badass Bon

Stop listening to Negative Nancy…. She is full of shit!!

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Maybe Negative Nancy isn’t another person but instead the voice inside my head. Yes, I hear voices! Now that that is out of the way I can tell you about her. She lives in my head and sounds just like me but everything she says is negative. The thing is that what she says to me isn’t stuff I just make up but instead things I have been told about myself in all my years. I know I am not alone in this one bit.

Things I repeatedly hear, but not limited to, are

  • You are ugly and you’ll look just like your Mother one day
  • You are worthless; a complete waste of skin
  • Your a monster and a bad mother
  • Your a fatty, a pig, disgusting and gross

I certainly will not go on as this negative talk gives me a bad feel, but I can say one thing. Verbal abuse lingers much longer than physical abuse. I have scars that I will take to the grave from being hit so hard, yet those scars don’t hurt. The act is even forgiven and forgotten. It’s these words that still fuck me up to this day.

Not an excuse, but honestly this is why sometimes I disappear from going live on fb and blogging frequently. I get in my head with that negative bitch and let her win. For so many years I simply accepted the fact I was meant to be abused and everything I was told I would say back. I remember even saying to my ex things like “yep, I am a waste of skin and don’t deserve to live.” I would then get told I was a victim and playing the poor me card, but deep down I believed all of it.

Nowadays I don’t put myself down but that voice is still there. I get all stoked to get healthy and lose some weight and then I give up and think why bother and eat myself into more weight gain. I plan to go live more but then there she is saying “no one wants to hear or see you”. It has gotten to be a little ridiculous because I know it is all untrue.

I saw this today.

So today I make an oath to myself. Negative Nancy can sit down while I rise back to the top. It all seems to come together in the end really.

As I was getting my son ready for bed I got a text from an ex. It went like this.

“I want to apologize”

“For?”

“All the times I had kicked you out, and as I sit at the river alone I think I feel exactly how you felt all those times. Bonnie, I am truly sorry”

“I forgave you a long time ago, but will never forget as the damage lingers to this day”

“I think how I can fix it, but know I cannot”

Well, tears are streaming. I no longer grieve the relationship, and I truly have forgiven him, but the pain from the words that are stuck hurts to this day. I really hope he can move on because he has taken the biggest step he can by admitting his wrongs. I hope he can heal and become the best version of himself like I am doing. Not for me, but for himself and his children.

And so life goes on as the saying goes. It really does you know. The issue is do you watch life go by and pretend you have no regrets or do you become courageous and live it the way you really want!? I definitely am doing the latter! Joined a dance class, registered to compete for Mrs. BC, continued on my speaking career and choosing to be BADASS in everything I do.

When you look in the mirror every night answer this question. Have you done everything you can today to becoming the person you want to be? Some days it might be no, but I hope that more than half of the time the answer is yes.

My publisher and friend has this quote that I just love!!

So I leave you with that.

XX

Stay Badass

Hard exterior; soft interior

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Do you know how difficult it is to go through life and not be offended by other peoples actions or lack of effort?

I’m that friend that gives and gives until I have nothing left. When I see something that I think you need in your life I will buy it. When I see something funny and think of you I will snap a picture and send it to you. I will do my best to communicate with those I care about. I do my very best to remember everyone’s birthdays, and I try to keep a line of communication open with everyone I care about. I host many dinners to keep everyone together and I offer lunch dates often. I randomly will text you if I am around the corner with a few minutes to spare. I will do anything I can to keep friends together no matter how far apart we are because you matter in my life.

The thing is, not every effort on my end is returned from others. Invites that are given to some are not returned with an accept let alone a decline. Some have not reached out to see how I am. Some have chosen to not ask about my decisions, and some have simply gone on in life as if I never existed. Some have stopped liking my posts or commenting on how proud they are of me. Some have been offended by my life choices, and some are snooty that I made choices they may not agree with.

The ones that really shock me though are two groups. Group one is my friends for life. The ones that have been there over 20 years and have experienced hardships with me. The ones I may have talked shit about and hurt badly but apologized and we go on as if nothing ever got between us. Those people are my family. Then there’s the ones I barely know. The ones who come across my posts or blogs and message me giving me words of encouragement. The ones I met once and have built an unbreakable bond with. The ones who insist on being in my life by choice. These are my people.

Some may say I am too sensitive and need to stop caring and I have tried to not care. Easier said than done! I fear abandonment because I have been treated as a throw away in life and society. The family I knew and grew up with no longer are my family. Some by choice because I refuse to “get over” my innocence being stolen, and some because they don’t understand how one day I acted fine and the next I disowned the ones who abused me. I fear being alone and judged. Everything I do is public by choice so being judged is never going to go away, but I would like to think people are ready to understand.

Blogging has been a great way for me to express my feelings and that’s exactly what I use it for. That and to raise awareness to what it is like to be a survivor. What people don’t understand is how difficult life actually is for me. I have a skewed way of thinking and with hard work I plan on changing it, but this is a lifelong journey of undoing decades of damage.

I think I have found a good support system of people that are there day to day and not just when it serves them. For the ones who have walked away I am at peace and wish you the world. To the ones who have stayed you are my bitches for life and I will give you all that I can because thats what tribe members do.

To end this post I will say this. My life is my life and my choices are mine to make regardless if they are good or poor choices. Your role is to stand by me and be there for me. Your role is NOT to make me feel worse or alone. It saddens me to have lost so many people in my life, but that will not stop me.

XX Badass Bon

My favourite F word is actually…..

Posted on Categories Aboriginal, addictions, authenticity, Badass, eating, eating disorders, food addiction, weightloss, Empowerment, succeedingLeave a comment

FOOD!!!! I love thinking about it, obsessing about it, preparing it, cooking it and of course indulging in it. The thing about food is we need it to live. Some people eat to live, and others (like me) live to eat. For the first group of people food is fuel to energize their bodies to get them through life. The latter, my group, eat food for everything but fuel. I eat food to celebrate, to socialize, to fill a void and to make myself feel better. I have struggled with food my entire life.

So, my Mom was a terrible cook and I seriously despised everything she made me. Scrambled eggs out of a empty margarine container microwaved anyone? Yea, I’ll pass too!! My Grandmother however, was a fabulous cook and like most Grandmothers she cooked with love, which also meant lots of butter and other scrumptious things like sugar and fat. Think scalloped potatoes on the regular, Yorkshire puddings and gravies. There was always ice cream dates and I was never forced to drink water. Grandma always had the good juice and a Costco sized tub of Peppermint Patties. Grandma loved me and she showed me with money and food!! Then there’s the period of time I lived with my Step-Father, boy oh boy that man couldn’t cook if his life depended on it. For years I ate Mcdonald’s and Dennys and not on occasion I am talking every single day. We were known by name at both places in Walnut Grove and we didn’t even need a menu, as I knew that thing from front to back. Then there’s the time I travelled Canada with the carnival; think deep fried everything!!

As I had my own children and lived on my own I had to start feeding myself. I like to eat out, and if I do cook I don’t eat very healthy choices. I am addicted to food. The thing is once I start thinking about eating something I want (like nachos or chicken wings) I begin to obsess, and no it doesn’t pass like when I want a cigarette. For example, say I want MR. Mikes. First I start to think what I want from there, and then what it will taste like, and then where the place is and me going there, and the only thing to satisfy this obsession is to go there and eat it. As I have been trying to change though and I indulge in these obsessions I realize after I could have gone without and I would have survived. We are built to survive you know.

Food is so readily available. There was a time my ancestors hunted and gathered their food. I’m sure they did not eat what they wanted when they wanted, but instead worked hard for it and shared it amongst the tribe.

Like everything else in life we have choices. I’m sick of gaining weight. I’m not happy being almost 250 lbs and I sure as heck want to see my children have children of their own. I remember pre-children when I was 140 lbs and I looked in a mirror and thought “man I am fat” ugh to only go back and tell my thin self to love myself more and to dig deep for that self love and self respect.

I am on day 5 of intermittent fasting for my second time. The first time I made it a few weeks when I met a guy who broke me down. It has taken me 5 months to love myself again enough to put me first. Why intermittent-fasting? Because Keto is for crazy people, and I’m crazy for carbs. Why not just eat healthy? Because when I do that it is all or nothing. If I have a cheat day I get all obsessed and have a cheat week putting me into a cycle of failure where I just eat more to feel better until it has been 5 months again and nothing has changed except I have gained another 20 lbs.

with I-F I am able to control my obsessions because I can tell myself that in so many hours I can go hard. When it is time to go hard I actually don’t. I may choose to eat crappy but then I feel run down. My time is now. Your time is now.

Decisions, decisions.

XX

Badass Bon

He loves me, he loves me not

Posted on Categories alberta, authenticity, Badass, Dating, Empowerment, friendship, Single mom, succeedingLeave a comment

Have you ever told someone you love them and they don’t say it back? Well last night this happened to me and guess what? Nothing, thats what. I wasn’t upset and hurt because it was followed by a reasonable explanation. One, I probably shouldn’t have spit it out after having a few drinks with friends, and I had texted it one time before, but I have been feeling “in love” for a little bit now. The great part is that this relationship has been so normal it is everything I have never experienced before in my entire life. There is no rush to say the big L word and I have been just fine saying the like word instead.

Your probably thinking wth he didn’t say it back!? Hahahaha, its okay calm down, I am glad he didn’t because when he says it (and I know he will) it will be special and mean more than it would have last night. Here’s the thing. He knows my entire past; the sex addict in me, the past party girl lifestyle, the sexual abuse and the fact I allowed myself to be a door mat to multiple people in my life. He sees me struggle with my children, and I allow myself to be disrespected out of fear of rejection from them. I walk on eggshells and sometimes give up because I have no more fight in me. That one unit parent thing……. it is a tough gig! Sometimes I will allow one of my kids to trample me down just so I don’t have to deal with the attitude. Guess what? It’s not a sexy attribute to watch your woman be a door mat, nor is it a great way to teach the kids to be successful members of society.

So when I let me guard down and told him I truly loved him he said he knew. Here’s the thing, I know he knows because when he looks at me and I look at him it is evident. He can’t say it until I love myself enough to stop allowing people (anyone that is not just my children) to use me, manipulate me or push me to my breaking point. There’s more though. I am so content and secure in myself and this relationship I don’t need to say it again anytime soon, nor do I need validation in our relationship. I don’t see either one of us running away from each other anytime soon.

WOW!!! What growth I see in myself from that co-dependant scared woman afraid to be alone that I needed to spend every moment with my man to the powerful ever changing woman I am today.

Today when I asked one of my children to do something it was followed by complete disobedience, and everything I said was turned around to make me out as if I was “trying to start a fight,” and it clicked!!! This was what he meant! I would typically give in to demands and be left feeling undefeated and more like the child than the parent. I want respect from my children and love from my man. I stuck to my guns and after my child realized I was not giving in to the bulldozing techniques gave in and did what was asked.

So you understand what I was asking for was nothing like child labour or to scrub toilets with a toothbrush! I asked for the bedroom to be moved to the opposite side of the basement so I no longer had to endure rap music late at night or giggling. You see, the kids have a room that is about the size of two living rooms with a fire place, and if they want these luxuries they need to pitch in and be a part of a functioning household. At first I was told I could do it hahahahaha yea no!

Does this mean he loves me now? Ah, no. However, it is a step in the right direction to standing up for myself and being the parent I know I can be.

As for our travels, thank goodness we did laundry yesterday because on our way back home today the wheel bearing blew in the truck leaving us halfway between Edmonton and Edson in -26 degree weather and no tow truck willing to come tow. Defeat? Nope! We drove 3 hours back towards Edmonton making it to Spruce Grove driving an average of 30 km an hour so we can get it fixed tomorrow (fingers crossed!)

Now for a check in on gratitude and mood. I am so fucking happy! I am happy to be with a man that looks me deep in my eyes and I can feel how he feels about me, and I am happy to be here in this moment keeping him company during a dreadfully long drive. I am grateful to have woken up today because the alternative sucks! And I am grateful the bearing blew and not the tire falling off or something terribly worse where one of us could have been hurt. Trucks are fixable.

That is all I have for you tonight. Until next time.

XX Badass Bon

Sometimes life just isn’t fair

Posted on Categories Aboriginal, alberta, alberta, cold lake, authenticity, Badass, cold lake, Dating, Empowerment, friendship, Single mom, succeedingLeave a comment

Do I start with the good or the bad?

Let’s start with the good, then the bad and then I’ll sandwich it with some more good. It always goes down better that way I think. Today was day 4 of no hair products and I broke down and bought a pair of sweat pants from Wal-Mart which isn’t too bad considering the princess status I have attached to my name. I honestly think I am becoming less of a princess every day I spend with my boyfriend. I am 100% certain I have not been this happy on the inside in a very long time. The last time I was glowing like this was on three occasions and they were during each pregnancy. This guy has my heart in each way I could possibly give it.

I would also like to do a huge shout out to Cold Lake’s Mamacita’s restaurant for having the best Mexican food I have enjoyed in a very long time. I even tried something unlike Bonnie, and ordered something completely different from what I normally would have ordered. Let me just say, Cold Lake I am very surprised at your quality Mexican food for being a non Mexican place. Take Abbotsford for example, we have many Mexican people in the city and not one notably great Mexican place to eat on our side of the border. Go to the states and they are on every corner.

Now, the not so great. Have you ever felt like a failure of a parent? Well you are not alone!!! Raising children is hard work; raising children as a one parent unit even harder; raising children from a dysfunctional family and no idea how to parent is the hardest fucking job in the whole world!! You can disagree all you want, but until you’ve done it don’t even attempt to argue with me. I know I am not the greatest parent, but I do give it my all and try the best I can. I don’t know how to communicate with bitchy teenagers, and I am an emotional wreck on a good day. Watching my children struggle is hard on me, and I am completely lost at what to do. I know I am supposed to be “the adult” but lets emphasize barely…… My boyfriend says he is here to build me up, and he hates watching me be torn down by anyone let alone teenagers.

What is the hardest is being told how to parent your children. If I am hard for taking away the wifi for skipping school, or I’m a terrible parent for expecting respect in my household then what constitutes a good parent? I know I ignore some issues for the fact conflict is uncomfortable, but sometimes I just try to save an argument. Apparently I am on this luxurious vacation enjoying time from my responsibilities, but let me say that if I wanted luxury time away from my life Cold Lake Alberta would not be my first destination! Between a flat tire issue, a boat full of 1000 pounds of ice and a blizzard coming our way with an estimated 40 cm of snow for our journey home I am far from “enjoying” my self like some thing. Here’s the thing, I am enjoying myself, but for different reasons.

1. I get to wake up after 9am.

2. My boyfriend and I are really getting to know one another.

3. I don’t have a million things going at once and I can just breathe.

4. I have space to just be.

Sometimes we need this time to breathe. I am a one parent unit doing the best I possibly can, and I know I’m not doing a 100% perfect job. My kids have a beautiful home to live in, they are fed well (even though they may complain it isn’t what they want), the bills are paid giving them heat, hot water, water for that matter and electricity.

I have had some time to think, and I am ready to attack this parenting thing head on.

I have one night left here, and then it’s our time to leave back for BC during a blizzard and back to reality. All I can say is “this too shall pass” and for all you struggling parents out there breathe life can’t be hard all the time I believe.

Now to sandwich hahahaha. Check out these cool planes on the Military Base.

Until next time followers.

Xoxo Badass Bon

We still like each other

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Day two of our adventures and I haven’t froze to death…. yet! Not a lot happened. We drove lots, met some of my boyfriends friends and had a minor hiccup on our journey. When we got to the airport in Lloydminster to return the rental car the tire popped on the boat trailer. We went to Kal-Tire and unfortunately they did not have one to replace ours. With only an hour to find one I started to have some negative thoughts cross my mind like great we wont find one, or we will be stuck here the night, or, or fuck that shit!! I put my hands out to the windshield and I said “Universe, I have been good to you and in return you have been good to me in the last two years, so give us a break. We are going to drive to Canadian Tire and you will have a tire there for us because you take care of those that need taking care of.” Scoff if you may, negative thinking has never served me well. Positive thinking however has changed my life. Guess who bought the last tire in our size on the shelf? Us of course!

So I manifested some shit and it worked out.

I have had a lot of time to think today and I have happily come to think I manifested my boyfriend too. I was ready. He came out of nowhere and on our drive I really looked at him. Deeply. His quirks, his humour and his thought process and damn do I like him. A little bit, hahahaha more like a lot a bit but who’s paying attention. To think I can be where I am today after allowing men to spit on me, hit me, threaten me and strip me of my human nature. If you are reading this and think life can’t get any worse it can! You have choice in life. Stay down or get the fuck up. Staying down for me meant death and destruction. Today I am happy.

I’m going to leave you with this tonight. Positive thinking leaves to positive living. Get out of your own way.

xoxo Badass Bon

I’m sorry

Posted on Categories Aboriginal, authenticity, Badass, Empowerment, friendship, Single mom, succeedingLeave a comment

When your driving for hours with someone who doesn’t listen to music you have a lot of time to think. With all this thinking comes realization. I am realizing I have a long way to go to becoming the best me I can be. This actually excites me!! This means I have so much growth and a lifetime to do it. I have no intention of dying soon, but we are not promised tomorrow, so I blog my journey with the world because if I am not here to encourage; my past will always be here to read. I hope that my vulnerability and truth opens the door to other people who are afraid of stepping out fully in the world.

No more excuses! I am the way I am for a multitude of reasons. Like my choice in past relationships. I saw violence and I endured it because that was my normal. I don’t hug my kids often enough for a deep down fear I shouldn’t touch them (only a survivor of child molestation could deeply understand this), and then there is my love for yelling. Although I cower when voices rise that only lasts for a moment and then the inner fighter comes out. Here’s the thing though, I want to be a fighter but not that type of fighter. I am ashamed I used to fight people, punch people, hurt people and be undeniably one of the meanest persons I know of. My words cut deeper than a knife and I would feel good inside for making someone feel as bad as I truly felt. That is not okay.

I have talked shit behind peoples backs, rolled my eyes when discussing others troubles and laughed at others for their struggles. This is not something I have done to many people, but even to do this to one person is way too many. When did this world become so unconnected? When did it become okay to break each other down? There are always going to be bad people in the world, but as one who has been hurt by so many how could I go on and do the same? It’s that cycle I have always talked about, and it so easily creeps back in that you don’t even realize it. Here’s the thing though, no one wants to continually hear my poor me past! People want to know how I got over my past and rose up to be this BADASS woman I have become! I have had a light bulb moment of clarity which has catapulted me into complete awareness.

I no longer want to live in the shadows of my past. I no longer want to rent the space in my head to my past abusers. And I certainly am done being depressed and feeling completely worthless. Isn’t it crazy how fast things change? I had this mindset before and lost it. I believe it was when I was with my ex this past summer when he continually jabbed his index finger into my forehead demanding to know what my fucking problem was and why I couldn’t just get over everything. He was hurting me and when I started shaking and crying he was happy he 100% controlled me in that moment. Almost instantly everything I had previously been told negatively about myself crept back in and it became my truth. I told him I was a waste of skin and I was sorry for being so stupid. I quit all my speaking gigs that I had booked and he deleted all my social media accounts. Just like that, in a snap of a finger, in a blink of an eye he controlled me and I allowed it. Why? Because I was lonely and who else would want to make a life with a broken girl like myself?

These thoughts are all non truths. We tell ourselves this to “survive” and just “live,” but this is not true living. I’m done lying and ready to start living 100%.

Oh ya!! What about this trip to Alberta you might be wondering? Well it is going great. I slept absolutely great last night with my boyfriend who made me feel safe. I didn’t dream, so no rem sleep (totally my norm), but I fell asleep easily and slept through the night other than my usual bathroom trips. We are off for an adventure today, so don’t be surprised for a quick blog tonight with my ventures.

In closing, my Grandma taught me this saying that I swear almost everyone was raised on “if you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say anything at all.” I not only challenge myself to this, but I challenge you all to do this as well. You don’t know others struggles and until you are walking in their shoes you don’t know how hard they have it. If someone isn’t being graceful lets help them be graceful. I think we live in a world where we walk on egg shells. I would much rather be told I am wrong than to be left to continue being wrong.