“October 16, 2016 is my birthday; the day I started to really live. In my first year of sobriety I came out publicly about my childhood, I owned my story……..” we get the point. Wtf happened that I decided to start drinking after over two years of not drinking? Looks like I had it all figured out right? WRONG!! Judging a book by its cover goes hand in hand with assumptions.

Well let’s first point out I am not doing drugs and drugs was my issue and alcohol is not a drug unless you are in the program, and yea lets add that I have said many times something along the lines of “you’ll never see me smoke a joint and crave a rail where alcohol I would” well lets call it what it is. Bullshit! I’m a people pleaser to the worst extent. I will change myself to be liked by as many people as possible. Here’s the thing though; you cant please everyone. That saying about weed and drinking was all because I was justifying my marijuana use.

So why was I justifying my weed smoking? It is legal now, and well it is BC where we got some of the best weed ever (I have no facts on this but lets just agree on this) and almost everyone smokes (again speculation lol). When I quit partying I pretty much gave up my social life too and as a huge people person who thrives on human interaction I was missing something. I started going to meetings to make new friends and figure our sober life. Guess what though…… Smoking weed is not kosher in the recovery life. Well there goes that idea. So I just became a hermit and smoked a shit ton of weed. Like enough weed to call it a problem.

So cocaine and drinking to excessive pot smoking.

Then I started this local challenge called the Total Makeover Challenge www.totalmakeoverchallenge.com and the weed smoking paired with binge eating alone took over. This is the first time I have mentioned the binge eating, which I barely do anymore. 2017 was an epic year!! I was coming out of my shell and owning my life and my past and moving forward, but was living this lie of an unhappy marriage and forcing sobriety on my husband. When he left I was like yes!!! I can drink again!!! I was too afraid of other peoples opinions that I started over justifying why I was sober. I would excessively put myself down and only bring up the bad memories to remind myself I had to be sober to live this good life. Remember I grew up pretending and I am really really good at it.

2018 was not as great of a year. I had some successes, but I was lost as a person. Still sober though guys so life is great right? Wrong!! My addiction was now sex and acceptance. I will save my year breakdown for a book, and trust me it will be juicy, raw and hilarious. Between the game playing, ghosting, chasers, cheaters, occasional nice guys and all around fucktards it will be a read you wont want to put down. I will say this though…….

It all comes down to addiction “behaviour is reinforcing (rewarding or pleasurable), loss of control in limiting intake.”

Well then don’t worry guys! I’m only addicted to sex, drugs and food.

If your friend says “I had a tough day and I am going to wind down with a glass of wine” do you jump and say “but you drank a glass yesterday” or “that scares me” btw if you think someone has an actual problem I insist you have a gentle conversation with them. Maybe I shouldn’t have a glass of wine while blogging, or have a few drinks celebrating the New Year but thats my choice as an adult to make.

Tonight I enjoyed about 8 oz of wine while cleaning out my new office and blogging. Doesn’t seem too counterproductive to me.

I am not justifying my choices, but instead offering people an insight. When you’ve lived through the shit I have lived through it is sheer will and determination that I am not doing much worse than I am. I seek change and if people out there can relate with me and be vulnerable or at least be less hard on themselves my work is done. I have chosen to be easy on myself in 2019 and I really hope you will follow suit.

XX Badass

Never fails does it!? That saying “can’t teach an old dog new tricks” kind of reminds me of my life! I take on so much that when I get overwhelmed I just hide out until it all goes away, but does it “go away” no! It just becomes more stuff to do and some things I have to let go. Being a “normal” person is hard work!! As Badass as I am, I still have so much to deal with and learn.

This past year has been one for the record books, but I intend on having a better year in 2019. 2018 showed me what I am capable of and to slow it down. It is not a race to a finish line. It’s my life! Those shitty men I was surrounding myself with…. Gone! The impulsive behaviour, like getting a dog,….. in check! All the Askholes? Gone!! This is my year to grow my family ties deeper and to grow as a person on the inside.

All these hardships this year come down to how I feel about myself. Now that I am aware of that I can change it. I don’t need to be who you want me to be, but I will be who I am meant to be and that is understood and respected. I slept around some in this past year because I finally felt comfortable in my own skin to give myself to someone. Sadly, I was giving myself away for nothing in return. I have some great stories to share one day though, when I’m ready. The worst part of these adventures is that some people are such shamers. Just because I chose to act slutty doesn’t mean anyone gets to call me a slut. Sex shaming, parent shaming and all shaming in general is a shitty thing to do. Keep that shit to yourself thanks.

Then there’s comments like “Bonnie, your not ready for a relationship” or “Bonnie you need to put more effort into your kids” and a slew of other comments. My response? My life, my mistakes and my journey to growth. I grew up being talked to like this and it can stop anytime thanks!

So here it is….. I have some news that personally is none of anyone’s business, but I did choose this life of public speaking and vulnerability. I. Have. A. Boyfriend. AND….. I have recently chosen to incorporate alcohol into my life.

It’s funny how other people drink and its okay. I choose to have a drink and omg Bonnie is making a mistake. I enjoyed sobriety for I feel it helped me get through some tough shit like my childhood molestation, but I quit to save my marriage because I was afraid of him leaving me. I have wanted to have a drink occasionally and am told by friends that I shouldn’t, or I can’t , or to be careful……… please do not throw stones in a glass house. Or be smarter and live in a normal house like I do where people make mistakes hahahaha.

Well thats all I got for now! I am hoping to start the new year with some great fucking content. Some funny shit and some stuff people don’t talk about because their scared of other peoples opinions. Well I am done hiding myself because of opinions. Join me on this side~

XX Badass

It has been two weeks since the funeral of my ex’s father, Fred, a man who I hold close to my heart. I wanted to blog every day since his passing, but I simply couldn’t get myself to sit down and write. It’s kind of like everything in my life right now. I am so quick to put things aside and not think about them. It is a lot of work to live a fulfilling life when you’re so used to simply existing.

Today I have started using the 5 second rule that Mel Robbins discusses. When our brain has an idea we need to act on it right then and there, otherwise we are already onto the next idea or thought. So today I woke up after five hours of sleep and I thought of going back to bed I went 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 blast off and got the fuck out of bed. Then I thought, hey I haven’t made a big breakfast in awhile, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 blast off. Then I thought, shit when is the last time I took the kids out for something fun to do? 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 blast off. So, I got my ass out of bed, made a big breakfast that I ate with my kids, and I took the kids to Get Air for a little bit of fun time.

As I sit here watching the kids jump around, listening to Hotel California in the background which reminds me of Fred the man I grew to admire for his soft personality and wisdom without having to speak much, I think back to his life and his death. So here’s the thing, Fred’s death was more than just him dying it was the end of a chapter that needed closing. It was the end of a family and the beginning of me learning to let go.

For you to fully understand the grief I went through you need to understand that I considered myself very close to this mans family for over 7 years. I don’t have much family, so when I was dating Fred’s son for 7+ years I also gained a HUGE family. I thought I had long gotten over the loss of this family when I left the man who gave me my last child. Surprise, I was not over it until the day Fred was buried.

When I went to prayer service the night before his funeral I was hit hard with nostalgia. The music playing in the background reminded me of our time together. See, every morning for years I would bring my coffee cup downstairs and have some of Fred’s freshly brewed coffee, it was always so good with lots of kick, and have my morning smoke with him. Sometimes (most times) we didn’t talk much, but we had each other and these moments; they were our moments. Sitting through prayer service, I was hit with a rush of memories and some were happy, but many were hard to remember. It was also very uncomfortable to be around people that were once considered family and now were not.

I only had to get through that funeral, and I could go on with my life….. Or so I thought. The funeral must’ve had over 100 people there, or at least close to. There was so many people there, and most of them were his family. The sobbing was always in the back of my throat. I was not sure where to sit, and my ex wanted me upfront with him and our son, but I am not super liked with his immediate family and thought I had better stay back a little. I was trying my best to be there for my ex, as this wasn’t the place to hold grudges. When I looked at Fred one last time I felt so sad I didn’t visit him a bit more when he was sick, but I know we had each other in a magical way during these times. He was no longer in pain and I could really let go of the past. If it wasn’t for Fred and some other family members I would’ve left this relationship a long time before. So essentially I was grieving the loss again, but infinitely.

Now the part that people don’t understand is because of my past trauma’s I am a very emotional person. I feel deeply, and sadness is painful for me. I was not welcome at that funeral by two people who I considered family and thought would be family for life. One of them even cut my sons umbilical cord and helped me through one of my most painful labours ever. Someone who helped me keep my head up through years with a man who didn’t think highly of me. It was such a painful day to say good bye to one man who I loved as a father and the big family I always wanted but cannot hold on to anymore.

And so, I said good bye to Fred, and inside I realized it was time to move on. I took some takeaways with me from that funeral that will change my life. I have not one picture of Fred and I, very few of my son with his grandpa, and little memories with him in his last months when I knew he was sick. I learnt that you cannot take anything to the grave with you except your memories and your tattoos, so time to capture both! Take more pictures and take time to check in on the people you love because tomorrow is not promised.

The man talking at this funeral said Fred would’ve wanted us all happy, and if you knew Fred you would agree. He had no patience for bullshit, and he stuck up for me on many occasions. Thank you Fred-o for that. He also spoke about how short life is and holding grudges is a waste of energy. I have tried to mend the broken ties between myself and others, but until they can inhale compassion and exhale the grudge there is no point.

I am in a really good place today and letting this out has been therapeutic. If anyone knows about losing people in their lives it is me and I know that the people who leave you simply weren’t meant to stay, but those of you that have (you know who you are) stayed in my life I am thankful for you and our bond that is strong enough to get through the bullshit because that is all it is bullshit! We get one life, so lets make it a damn worthwhile one! Don’t hold grudges for it will surely dampen your inner happiness.

XX Badass Bon

I left my blog last about people in our lives and how they are here for a reason, a season or a lifetime. I believe I have learnt something from every person I have ever met, but this last person I learnt a lot about me! Yea, who would’ve thought I would see something good out of something so terrible right. What did I learn? Well most of it I already knew (like how fucking Badass I am) and the length I will go for love. Here’s the thing though; I’ve had it all here right in front of my eyes! These kids that drive me crazy!! Yep, my kids!! My friends who refuse to let me go. The bro’s who all have my back. My asshole pets. My nieces, nephew, newfound Bio Dad and that huge tribe I have built. Have I missed something? YES!!!! Me!!!! I have to love me fully in order to extend that love beyond my immediate priorities.

So, I sit here writing this embarrassed with a broken ego but with more hope than I have ever had. Remember that steam train I’ve been on all year? It was going so damn fast and all of a sudden I felt like I was living the life! I was speaking at large events, booking even more, sitting on a board, becoming an author, and, and, and all of a sudden it wasn’t enough. It’s that addict mentality of go-go-go that I am used to, and on my downtime I needed more stimulation, and so I started online dating. Before I knew it I was consumed by it, and then not long later I have a boyfriend. I didn’t even want a boyfriend for fucks sakes, but he made himself seem so desirable and had me questioning my decision to stay single. Like I would miss the best damn thing ever! So I bit!! Romance, sex, intimacy, touch, belonging, happy, wanted are a few things I experienced with this man, but something wasn’t feeling right. Maybe the friends who voiced their opinions, maybe the pit bull who growled at him nonstop at my friends or maybe the things he’d mutter under his breath started making me uneasy.

Then on August 30, 2018 I woke up to this guy throwing my phone in my face calling me a damn whore and a fat disgusting pig. Oh boy, not this scene again. I’ve done the abusive boyfriend thing and I am not into playing ball. He went through a whole year of messages, and yes I could have erased some numbers and messages but why after a month into a relationship? I should have ran right there, but he cried and I felt like he must love me if he is hurt right? No!! Run the fuck away now! Then he spat on me! Again, GTFO!!

I eased the situation and promised no harm no foul. Until that weekend. “I don’t like what your wearing. Those are whore pants, and my wife wouldn’t wear that.” 1. I am someone’s wife still but not yours buddy 2. I’ll dress accordingly ie. how the heck I want.

Of course I stayed with him because I like chaos, no let me rephrase, I am used to chaos but no longer need to live with it in my life. And so, yesterday I made the call that I was going to break it off. Did I mention he moved in at this point? Judge all you want, your opinions are not my business, but the point is I was not going to take this kind of abuse ever again. I came home to get this going, but I was shocked when he attacked me about putting a password on my ipad and then boom he’s chasing me. I called 911. He tackled me. Hit me. Then he was gone……….. in my Van… with my cell…. with my dog!!!

End story, I am single. Staying that way, and if any man thinks he can step up and handle a badass crazy like me you better be Effin amazing to make me change my mind.

On a serious note though, it made me think about the feeling of being alone and I realized I am not alone. I would pick sleeping alone for the rest of my life over being spat on any day. I have my tribe and that is enough. As for this chaotic go go go mentality it is gone. I am embarking on getting my health back so that I can learn how to cope without filling the void. Along with extreme dedication and a friend willing to push me in the right direction I am back. Not 100% mentally back, but I am here with more presence than these past few months.

So stay tuned because y’all gotta know this was just the tip of the iceberg. Teen depression, suicide, drug abuse, boundaries, overly sensory children and dog training are just a few of the things I have experienced this summer. Coming up to 2 years of sobriety and I can only be excited for what is to come!

XX Badass Bon

A lot of my friends have been asking me what is wrong and some have gone so far as saying I am different since I got a boyfriend and honestly maybe I have. I know being in a relationship means I am not available 24/7 anymore, but this is more about me prioritizing my goals. I have been working really hard on sleep, self care and hitting my career goals. A good friend said to me today we’re always carrying something with us wether it be a bag of feathers or a bag of rocks. Which one are you carrying and what can we do about it to lighten the load?

I have been carrying multiple bags of rocks my entire life and ever since I got sober I have been unloading the rocks and replacing them with feathers. Unfortunately I have many rocks to get rid of still so all I ask is be patient. I find I spread myself thin and as a change maker I have many people watching me for guidance and support in their journeys and I love that!! It is why I do what I do, but my friends need to understand that as well. How do I keep 100 relationships going strong? Well in an ideal world I would have monthly meet ups with everyone at once, but life is rarely ideal and it requires discipline and choices.

As for that sack of rocks I have been hanging onto…… I am not different, however I am still grieving many things. Yes, I have jumped huge obstacles lately but they do not heal instantaneously. I still mourn my childhood and struggle with letting go. The idea of my step father living without any repercussions of molesting not only myself but other children devastates me. It makes me incredibly sad because how many others live in this fear? I know he can’t hurt me anymore, but it affects my life in ways like driving through Langley worried he will be at the next stop light. I also grieve the idea of having a mother. I feel empty not having these simple relationships. I’m forever grateful I found my biological father, but to have someone who’s been there for me since a child is missing.

Today I drove through New West on my way to a breakfast meeting and it hit me. My aunt was pretty much my mom growing up. A solid ten years older than me she was always told to bring me along when she would go out. When she got her first car I was there, when my grandma bought her first apartment I stayed there every weekend and when her son was born I was there a lot his first few years of life. Throughout the years we had our spats but they never lasted long. When I lost custody of my kids she took them on. She was the only one who believed the truth about my step dad molesting me. She was my fucking everything. She was my family. She never judged me. She always had my back! Then it happened. I made a choice not out of loyalty but respect. My children were not only raised by her but her husband at the time. My oldest couldn’t rely on her coming to his birthday dinner and instead invited his uncle (her ex husband) to his party. I posted pictures and noticed the very next day my aunt was gone. Blocked on fb, instagram and she even changed her phone number. I emailed even; to no reply. It has been one year and almost 6 months since this happened. Devastated. Abandoned. Lonely. Sad. Angry. What happened to my tribe before I got sober? What happened to my tribe that were there for me through my marriage breakdown? What changed? I know I can’t expect everyone to be by my side all the time just like I can’t make everyone happy at all times.

I have some big events coming up and I lost my momentum, so as I focus now on getting prepared for big things I plan on keeping that momentum going this time. Full steam ahead baby!!!!!

Here is a picture from this morning. That nostalgic moment when I drove over the Patulla Bridge and saw my aunts first apartment. She was 21 and her bedroom was plastered in posters like Def Leppard, Bon Jovi and those old school velvet posters. I spent many weekends there eating junk food and watching movies. She met her first husband during this time and he would cook me weird concoctions like hot dog and fried egg sandwiches. It was these times I felt safe and protected from my parents, yet I was not a child. I may have been 11 but I was steadily surrounded by young behaviours and lots of pot smoking. I grew up fast, but thats the easy part. The hard part is the emptiness I feel from the abandonment of my family that I need for support.

I am grateful for those who have entered my life recently and for the ones that are still with me. Those few who call for a lunch at least twice a year mean the most. It is not the quantity of time that matters but the quality of it.

XX

Badass Bon