The good, the bad and the truth.

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There has been some ups and downs this past year and extreme successes. I am beyond grateful for it all, but have slowly withdrawn myself from going 100% lately. This doesn’t mean I am going anywhere, in fact I think you’ll see more of me in the coming months, it just means I am human. I didn’t finish school, I’ve never had a job for more than a year, I have had a pretty shitty go, I live with PTSD, anxiety and depression. Some days I just don’t want to get out of bed.

I’ve done a lot of change for one person in 21 months. Learning how to be a functioning human in life isn’t exactly easy considering as an addict I am obsessive and compulsive. Some days I am go go go with no destination and other times I am barely able to focus on much except the pain I find so hard to let go. I mean I have overcome a lot, but some days I just want to scream and say fuck it. It still haunts me…. the past that creeps back in at night and images that will never be forgotten.

One thing I do know though is my choice still stands. I chose on that stage a little over a year ago that I will be a speaker and that I am. I chose to live my life with purpose and to be a positive person.

Tonight, after installing my brand new washing machine and struggling to get it level we decided tonight we would let it be and level it tomorrow. My 14 year old daughter, love her to pieces, with her teen attitude thought I should’ve told her we were getting a new washer. After explaining the other one broke and her not believing me she got quite mad her laundry wasn’t getting done at 10pm lol. I was already pissed off at the washing machine and the situation so I laughed. Well my daughter didn’t find that too funny and freaked out I was laughing. When she asked why I was laughing all I could do was laugh more. I blurted out to my boyfriend “the opposite of laughing is not a pretty sight” I laughed so hard I cried. I think I had a little bit of a breakdown, but I held my shit together. My teenagers get so angry and I just wish they could let go earlier than I did in life.

Being a mom of 3 and being a recovering alcoholic is probably one of the hardest damn jobs. My kids never let me live it down the mistakes I have made. How I wish they could move forward and forgive me. Until then, I will laugh and cry instead of be angry and get drunk.

Not only is being a mom hard but have you ever tried dating someone who isn’t an alcoholic or an abusive control freak? Yea not since my teen years unfortunately. I recently started exclusively seeing a man who won me by being different. Ive been dating for a bit now and it has been a whole lot of crazy!! This guy came out of nowhere and didn’t whisk me off my feet at first, but there were things that I liked but wasn’t used to. Like compliments, who would’ve thought hearing how beautiful you are was amazing. Or actually pushing me to get out of my comfort zone, not afraid to sit beside me at a restaurant (yes Ive never sat beside a guy it is always across from and phones are always out), someone who isn’t all about social media, funny, sweet and a bit on the dorky but hot side. I mean that in a good way if you (the bf) is reading this hahaha. It is the simple things in life that really get my attention. Like sharing our food. When I go out to eat I want variety, and now I found a guy willing to share and not complain.

Balance now. Friends, family, business and alone time is very important. I will be focusing more on business as the summer slowly comes to an end and I look forward to this next chapter in my life. I really hope this next leg of the journey includes less teenage attitude, but I won’t hold my breath.

XX

Badass Bon

Bad habits die hard

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I believe habits can be broken, but only with extreme dedication can I overcome my defects of character. Yes, life has given me some sour lemons to bite on and with these hard times I have branded myself into an inspiration to many, however I do not have it all figured out. Just know that as I figure it out I will share all I learn along the way. When I first got sober my story was stuck on my addictions and shame, and then the childhood stuff came out, and eventually the breakdown of my marriage. I have had some extreme highs along the way followed by extreme lows. Time for some truth! I have weeks where my depression is so bad all I want to do is sleep. I then feel no motivation for another week as I come back to my normal.

I just want everyone to know that I have hard times too. It is what we do when we’re down that defines us, and although I may check out at times you will never see me stay down long.

So now that I have given some explanation to why I sometimes miss blogging for a couples weeks lets play catch up.

As you all knew I competed for the Miss BC title over the Canada Day long weekend. I still can’t believe I made it through the intense rehearsals and show in heels and beautiful outfits. I am not a morning person and the days started by 730 each morning and went until 10 each night. What would normally be a very uncomfortable situation for me was the complete opposite. I for once in my life felt 100% accepted. I was the oldest competitor in my category, quite possibly the largest and probably the loudest. I made friends with everyone including the girls competing for Miss Teen BC. The diversity was amazing and hearing everyone’s story really drove home how we all have a story and each one is meant to inspire someone.

I had this feeling the entire weekend that I was doing quite well and even for a moment thought I was going to win this thing. Needless to say I did not win the title, but I did win two awards. First, I won the heart and soul award. This award was won by all the competitors votes as to who was the most inspirational. We voted after hearing everyone share their story in 60 seconds. The second award I won was The People’s Choice award. This award was chosen by the public who had the opportunity to vote their favourite competitor throughout most of June. I was completely honoured to win those awards and just proved to me I am making a difference in the world. My power is resilience. I am proof that no matter how tough I get it I better get on my two feet and live! Live so to show others life is worth living!

I am forever grateful for the opportunity to compete this year, and I am 75% sure I will be competing next year as well. The opportunity to hold a title and use it to further help others is my mission and I really stand for everything Miss BC offers. I would love to help others compete in this competition as well. Let’s get out of our comfort zones and do the unthinkable. We live once, so let’s live it bravely and with purpose.

XX

Badass Bon

When you put your mind to something shit gets done!

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Today was literally like 3 days in one! Visits, dinner with friends, packing and sorting pageant stuff, picking up last minute items, cleaning, final lists made, and a good night blog. Hmmmmm, and the feeling around today was anxious. Remember, we procrastinate not to avoid the task but to avoid the feeling associated with the task. So all month, and all week I put off everything that I crammed into 3 days.

I think procrastinating can be avoided now that I know it is the feeling I am avoiding. By being aware of the feeling and thinking it through I may just overcome this issue that probably gives me more anxiety than if I just got it done.

I also think I avoid doing it because in the past I would quit. I never fully finished anything in my life. School, jobs, heck I didn’t even finish a full season due to being pregnant on the carnival lol!!! But here I am killing it. I am going into tomorrow as ready as I will ever be. My van is packed, my morning outfit is ready, my make up is out and ready for the morning; to then be packed up and brought with me, my overnight bags are ready (so grateful for one of my besties to host me so I will only be a five minute drive from the theatre), and my personality is ready to be shared. Let’s be honest, I may look intimidating before my morning coffee but I am literally a ray of fucking sunshine with loads of humour that’ll possibly make some pee their pants a little.

I may not be fully rehearsed, or know every dance step to a T, or even know exactly what my speech will be tomorrow night, but this is how I have done things since I began this way of life. My speeches are never practiced or written down and I feel I get more powerful each and every time I get out there, so I am ready!

Stay tuned for Monday, as I will be back to let you all know how I made out. Honestly I think I’ve won anyways; maybe not the title but the encouragement, confidence, support, and drive to do something that completely scares the shit out of me!! I told my girlfriend that if I was to trip in my huge heels I would just continue rolling on stage to my spot because why not just “roll with it” hahahaha….

XX

Down to the wire.

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Two sleeps and I am pageant ready. I am exhausted, almost packed, slightly rehearsed and ready to just go for it. I typically do everything unrehearsed so this is a walk in the park for me. Tomorrow will be a huge day but I say “bring it on!”

Short and sweet. I made the paper, and really thats why I entered the Miss BC pageant to further spread my message and so far it has paid off. So like I say dreams are not for dreaming but achieving!!

When you get that extra boost just at the right time.

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I have a major toothache, I can’t remember the last time I had an amazing nights sleep, and of course I have gotten a lot done but not everything. Did I mention I’m a single mom who runs a household full of teenagers and not only is it 3 nights to the pageant but it is the end of the school year and month which means crazy schedules and usual month end errands.

It seems when we think its too much you get a sign and boom your like heck no “I got this!” I had already seen my article for the Abby News online, but once in print it was such a boost of confidence that I am indeed doing what I am meant to. The people that reached out, who shared my article, who sent words of inspiration are my tribe. The people who are inspired by me but also inspire me. It’s a great cycle to be a part of.

Of course there are some peoples support that I wish I was receiving, but I always need to remember that people come into our lives for three things; a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Some reasons plain suck, but if you look closely you’ll see the lesson and when you can find the lesson you can grow. Like learning not all people have your back or are as honest as they say they are. I can’t change the world, or anyone for that matter, but I can improve myself and inspire change in others. And I’m not talking changing who people are, but changing what we are about. Living a purposeful life, being the change we seek in the world, just plain being badass! Why live day in and day out doing the ordinary when we can do the extraordinary and make the world a better place.

XX

My biggest defect of character is procrastination.

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Well I have been able to keep my promises to people this week and share my experiences through blogging and that is good. I have also been able to keep the 15 pounds I have recently lost off, so I feel pretty amazing about that too. It has just been hard adjusting to single life again. I have always been a single mom pretty much, but a single person not so much. Even though my relationships were never healthy it is an adjustment to go back to having no companionship.

I have been in such a funk this last month that I have once again left everything until the last minute, but after doing some research I’ve come to learn that I most likely procrastinate not because of the task at hand but the feeling I will feel when doing it. My biggest procrastination this month has been writing my chapter, but I know after it’s all written I will feel like a huge weight has been lifted. Now that I am aware of this I am going to make an honest attempt to put an end to my procrastination.

And as for companionship I am really learning how to reach out to people. Surrounding myself with people who genuinely care about me wellbeing. When we surround ourselves with positive people we tend to start acting positively, and like I always say positivity breeds positivity.

Well that is my food for thought for tonight. Check back tomorrow for more Bonnie Badass!

XX

Love me or hate me. I will always do me.

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Anxiety… This is my life on a daily. Worrying. Overthinking. It is simply exhausting, and here I am pushing through it because the alternative isn’t rewarding. I have spent so many years debilitated by other peoples opinions of me that I was trapped in this never ending cycle of trying to perfect myself.

I came to realize recently that I have formed some unusual bonds with people. People who did not like the old me, or had a skewed idea of who I was. It is this new path in life that has given me more friends than I know what to do with. To feel fulfilled by my tribe is a wonderful feeling, and I owe it all to my sobriety. Without sobriety I would still be hiding behind those big brick walls I spent years building. To think I started laying these bricks down as a young toddler.

A girlfriend said to me the other day that she remembered me as a mouthy girl. One with a bad attitude. Looking back I remember that girl and she was simply trying to fit in, yet was always thinking everyone hated her so she showed attention how she was taught. Violence and fighting. Now fast forward to today and the thought of confrontation scares me. Without those walls and booze I am actually a really kind loving person.

A reminder that everyone has a story, and some of them are really heartbreaking. I will not sit here and think about how I could have been a better if life was different because its not. I am not perfect nor will I pretend to be; I am a bit of a princess though. So yea, I am a bit of a hard person with a thick shell that can take a lot of shit, but I no longer need to. You are in my life, or you are not. So to all those people who have stuck by my side, and to all those that have come back around and all of you newcomers who say I inspire you THANK YOU! Thank you for believing in me, for understanding me and for pushing me to excellence. For the haters, y’all need to dig deep inside yourself and figure out your own stuff because I can guarantee when your liking a fulfilled life you will stop hating on others.

Check back tomorrow to see what else needs to get off my chest.

XX

Doing something unbelievable but achievable.

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I sit here just before bed making lists upon lists of what I need to get done with only 6 sleeps until pageant weekend. A weekend jam packed with rehearsals and everything required to compete. As a single mom these lists are making me wonder what kind of crazy was I when I decided to apply for a pageant. Me! In a pageant! I am not going to lie I am freaking out. There is a lot to prepare for, and as a procrastinator I am of course getting a late start. Then of course it is the last week of school with my son recieving an award, year end activities, end of the month shopping, cleaning… there is constant cleaning when running a household… and finishing my chapter that will be in the second Sacred Hearts Rising Book.

So, back to me being crazy. Since I was 14 I always thought I was too fat and I thought I was an awkward looking girl. As I grew into a young woman I compared myself to all my friends and I was never happy with what I had for body and looks. How sad as I look back at how some of us portray ourselves. Being molested as a child I never had worth for myself, and this has shown throughout my life. I chose men who never complimented me, and my worth dwindled through every failed relationship. Every time I was put down by a boyfriend I would agree with them. It saddens me how I fell into being a compliant girlfriend who believed I could not achieve better in a relationship and my life. I enjoyed the rush of fighting, yelling and I even enjoyed the times I was beaten. Violence was normal to me and I was caught in the abyss of the family cycle; the one that takes determination and a strong mind to get out of.

There’s a saying I remember hearing often ”honesty is the best policy” and so I bare myself leading up to this pageant and throughout with the determination to continue blogging regularly and to get the F out of this funk. My truth is I had a week where all I did was sleep. I was depressed. I wasn’t sad or happy just tired. Raising teenagers as a single mom is one thing, but raising ones when your not even 2 years sober is a whole other kind of parenting. One, I didn’t learn how to love in a normal way by the people who should have protected me, so I am essentially learning how to parent from scratch. Party mom was unreliable, moody and selfish. Two, I am constantly proving to myself and my children that I am strong enough to continue on this path I have chosen. Sometimes I feel defeated by the damage I have caused by being reckless and not thinking about the consequences. I really hope someone is reading this who needs to hear this. We can rise!!

I enter this week with a fresh way of thinking. I no longer need to worry about my looks and my body size because that is not what this pageant is about, or life for that matter. Today I embrace my size and am actually quite happy with many of my attributes. I am not perfect and only strive to be the best me I know how to be. It is what I offer the world that makes me special, and to those like me who have self doubt, anxiety, depression or anything that holds you back from trying I am positive you can overcome it with the right attitude, supportive tribe and determination. I am passionate about helping  build others up to build strong communities. To reach dreams thought impossible.

I joined this pageant for added confidence, to embrace my beauty (we are all beautiful) and to spread awareness. I am sure I will not be the only nervous one, and I am positive that my best will be good enough. Winning is not everything in my book either; I believe every moment, decision and effort is a lesson. I will take away from this experience and continue to inspire others to Stand up, Rise up and Show up. 

XX

Old habits die hard

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This last weekend I was tempted to pick up a drink and simply not think about my sobriety. I just wanted to be like everyone else and have some fun without being an alcoholic. I remember a time when I could have a few drinks, or even lots of drinks and just calling it a night. This is not the case anymore as I know my thought process when I drink. Boy do I get some good ideas when drinking. Like let’s spend all my money on booze and blow and not worry about the consequences until the next day. Yea, probably a good thing I decided to continue with my sobriety.

Here’s the thing. I will always be an alcoholic and I will constantly need to check on my sobriety. I couldn’t remember my last meeting, and today I got an invite and off I went. Guess what happened after the meeting….. calmness. An understanding that these meetings are my medicine to my sickness. This is something I have known all along, but I am stubborn and think I can handle everything on my own. Guess what, lol, no one can or should have to handle stuff on their own.

So here I am on my knees praying to my higher power to guide me. To stand by my side through this journey and to keep me strong. I know what I need to do and I will do it because I am not throwing over 600 days out the window on a shitty reason. If you are struggling with addiction please reach out to me or someone/anyone to help you. You are not alone, nor are you weak. I havent been this strong in my entire life. The strength comes from standing tall to my addiction and staring it head on ready to live!

A little more complete

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I am back. Yet again…. Do you know how hard it is to be a single mom to 3 children (two of which are teenagers), run a household and a business? While it is very rewarding it is also tiring. Especially when you havent slept well in decades. So, if this sounds like you I suggest looking further into how you can change this.

For me this began with sleep. After my friend telling me I stopped breathing one night I took the steps to find out if I have sleep apnea. We already know falling asleep is hard for me, but once I am asleep I wonder if I get any rem sleep. I do not. I slept over at the hospital and in 6 hours of sleep I stopped breathing over 230 times and my rem sleep didn’t last more than 3 minutes. Yikes!! So bring on the sexy cpap machine. Thank god I don’t share my bed hahahaha. At least this sexy momma will be alive though.

Next, how do I make living with 3 kids a bit easier? Well one I stepped it up. I have vowed to go somewhere new every weekend on an adventure. Building memories are very important and now that I am sober and available I need to prioritize my time. I also am learning to let go with the teenagers. 14 and 15 is when they learn who they are, and I can’t hold their hands along the way (I tried and its not happening) so I am being more lenient and in turn the kids talk to me more. What a win!!

I also was feeling a bit down feeling alone surrounded by so many supporters. Family. I was missing a big piece of my life and again I have prioritized what is most important to me. I met my bio dad in October after being estranged for over 2 decades and over May long weekend I was reunited with my Aunt and Uncle after 28 years!!! I always felt no worth and not loved. I wondered where my family was. Why did no one want me in their lives? Well they did! If my Mom hadn’t told my Dad he wasn’t my Dad maybe I would’ve found them earlier. No! I would have because I found his number multiple times throughout the years and left it to my Mom to call. Little did I know she would sabatoge my chance at being loved. So if I have learnt anything from this it would be take control of yourself! I was too scared of rejection that I never called my Dad, yet if I would’ve I would have been accepted right then and there. It is what it is though, and it is a life lesson. Rejection is a part of life, but if you dont try you dont know and not knowing is worse.

I remember this day and tell this story as the one where “I met my real dad for the first time” this was my only memory of him. I was 12 (in actuality I was 9) and Mom took me on her drinking adventure to Vancouver which was a pretty regular thing. After she got drunk she pointed to my Dad and said this is your Father. Stumped, after sitting there for hours beforehand. I remember the picnic table, the kitchen, basement and my Mom drinking then argueing with my Dad.

I am grateful to have found my family. The family that loves me and wants to be in my life.