Category: addictions

Being your own worst critic

Posted on Categories Aboriginal, abuse, addict, addictions, alcoholic, Alcoholism, authenticity, Badass, Dating, Empowerment, friendship, Historical trauma, sobriety, succeeding2 Comments on Being your own worst critic

I had friends as a child, but not many. I felt different. Maybe it was the colour of my skin, the fact I was adopted into my family with my Mother, possibly it was because I had to put on a brave face knowing that being touched was not normal. I screamed out for attention, for someone to stop it, for someone to take me away. I felt different and I didn’t like it.

Into my teen years I wasn’t the popular kid but my personality wanted that popularity. I remember going to school in grade 7 or 8 wearing a bra and another girl pointing to me and saying “why are you wearing that? You don’t need it” the thing is I did. I didn’t want my small bust to be seen. I didn’t want to be different. I wanted to be beautiful. I had enough of school and trying to fit in, so I dropped out at 14 and no one cared.

I started to find people that thought I was cool. High school drop outs, drinkers and drug users, drug dealers and people much older than me. I found my place, or so I thought, in a world of dysfunctional people. By 15 I was having sex with anyone who I thought was the one and who could possibly be the person to save me from this miserable world. Selling drugs and doing illegal activities navigating a life of crime became my norm. I found another group of people that accepted me as I was, broken and damaged, in the carnival. I travelled with them for many years. Just another title to be added to the list; Carnie.

The thing was, I had come from a wealthy family. I lived in a mansion. I was given whatever I asked for. By 23 I was driving a $50,000 truck pulling my house trailer with my small family I had started. I had my children with a man 14 years older than me thinking I hit the jackpot. He was not my type, but he spoiled me and loved me; that’s all that matters right? To be loved? I had no idea my opinions mattered, and I certainly didn’t think anyone else would love me so I settled. The relationship was short lived and being a single mom became my new title.

What happened next was what started my downward spiral in life. I found I was good at playing poker, snorting cocaine and partying hard!! I lived a fast and hard life with no dreams or goals. When I changed my life around I assumed because of my past I had no right being equals to people with a life of value. I was the scum of the Earth in my eyes.

I couldn’t have been more wrong.

I’m a people person. I can be in a room and people gravitate towards me. Why couldn’t this be the case when I was younger? I had no idea what mindset could do. I was stuck in my victim hoodie wrapped tight not allowing anyone truly into my life. I hid the abuse from people because I was sick of being judged. So I continued my life thinking my people were addicts, drug dealers and people with no drive in life. I never imagined people who had houses, jobs and families would actually like me once they knew what kind of life I lead.

This past weekend was one of great aha moments. I was embraced once again by a community of women with one common desire; to change the world with our stories. That although our stories are similar or completely not we all matter and when we share we learn, and when we learn we grow. We really are the sum of the 5 people we hang out with the most, so I really needed to evaluate those I surround myself with. I am determined now more than ever to grow my business, make a difference in the world and leave a legacy. Tomorrow is not promised and when I am no longer here I want to be remembered as the woman who gave people their voices back.

Mindset is a wonderful thing! Let me elaborate, as you may be sitting there thinking this is all hogwash bullshit. When I started dating my now boyfriend we couldn’t spend the night together because he wakes up at stupid o’clock (430am) and I snore like a freight train and stop breathing on average 270+ times a night. Yes I have sever sleep apnea. Well, I told him I can get the machine, but I already tried it “I simply cannot wear the mask through the night!” I was actually wearing my victim hoodie again. I cant sleep at night because I have nightmares (I do), I can’t wear the mask because I feel someone is strangling me (I did), I can’t go to bed early because I am scared of the night (Iam) see the connections…. I CANT I CANT I CANT!!! Well he started spending the night with me and making me feel safe making sure I kept the mask on, and 5 months later I can say I do wear the mask and actually choose to not skip a night without it. I go to bed with him because I want to. I rarely have nightmares and if I do I choose to cuddle up next to him to feel safe. Instead of I can’t I choose and I do.

I have also taken off that victim hoodie and burned the darn thing! We are not our trauma, however we are what we choose to do about it. Yea I got dealt some pretty shitty cards, but I don’t want to dwell on it. I will talk about it because I believe sharing our stories help others, but instead of as a victim I share as a survivor thriving in todays world! I have friends who give meaning to my life and fill my cup with love.

Are your friends filling your cup or draining it? When you surround yourself with the right people you start to believe in yourself. When you visualize your success you start acting on it, and when you change how you talk you begin to live differently. Instead of saying I can’t next time say I can. The next time you want to make an excuse choose not to.

I leave you with that today and I know if I can change so can you!

XX Badass Bon

My favourite F word is actually…..

Posted on Categories Aboriginal, addictions, authenticity, Badass, eating, eating disorders, food addiction, weightloss, Empowerment, succeedingLeave a comment

FOOD!!!! I love thinking about it, obsessing about it, preparing it, cooking it and of course indulging in it. The thing about food is we need it to live. Some people eat to live, and others (like me) live to eat. For the first group of people food is fuel to energize their bodies to get them through life. The latter, my group, eat food for everything but fuel. I eat food to celebrate, to socialize, to fill a void and to make myself feel better. I have struggled with food my entire life.

So, my Mom was a terrible cook and I seriously despised everything she made me. Scrambled eggs out of a empty margarine container microwaved anyone? Yea, I’ll pass too!! My Grandmother however, was a fabulous cook and like most Grandmothers she cooked with love, which also meant lots of butter and other scrumptious things like sugar and fat. Think scalloped potatoes on the regular, Yorkshire puddings and gravies. There was always ice cream dates and I was never forced to drink water. Grandma always had the good juice and a Costco sized tub of Peppermint Patties. Grandma loved me and she showed me with money and food!! Then there’s the period of time I lived with my Step-Father, boy oh boy that man couldn’t cook if his life depended on it. For years I ate Mcdonald’s and Dennys and not on occasion I am talking every single day. We were known by name at both places in Walnut Grove and we didn’t even need a menu, as I knew that thing from front to back. Then there’s the time I travelled Canada with the carnival; think deep fried everything!!

As I had my own children and lived on my own I had to start feeding myself. I like to eat out, and if I do cook I don’t eat very healthy choices. I am addicted to food. The thing is once I start thinking about eating something I want (like nachos or chicken wings) I begin to obsess, and no it doesn’t pass like when I want a cigarette. For example, say I want MR. Mikes. First I start to think what I want from there, and then what it will taste like, and then where the place is and me going there, and the only thing to satisfy this obsession is to go there and eat it. As I have been trying to change though and I indulge in these obsessions I realize after I could have gone without and I would have survived. We are built to survive you know.

Food is so readily available. There was a time my ancestors hunted and gathered their food. I’m sure they did not eat what they wanted when they wanted, but instead worked hard for it and shared it amongst the tribe.

Like everything else in life we have choices. I’m sick of gaining weight. I’m not happy being almost 250 lbs and I sure as heck want to see my children have children of their own. I remember pre-children when I was 140 lbs and I looked in a mirror and thought “man I am fat” ugh to only go back and tell my thin self to love myself more and to dig deep for that self love and self respect.

I am on day 5 of intermittent fasting for my second time. The first time I made it a few weeks when I met a guy who broke me down. It has taken me 5 months to love myself again enough to put me first. Why intermittent-fasting? Because Keto is for crazy people, and I’m crazy for carbs. Why not just eat healthy? Because when I do that it is all or nothing. If I have a cheat day I get all obsessed and have a cheat week putting me into a cycle of failure where I just eat more to feel better until it has been 5 months again and nothing has changed except I have gained another 20 lbs.

with I-F I am able to control my obsessions because I can tell myself that in so many hours I can go hard. When it is time to go hard I actually don’t. I may choose to eat crappy but then I feel run down. My time is now. Your time is now.

Decisions, decisions.

XX

Badass Bon

Not everyone is meant to like me.

Posted on Categories Aboriginal, abuse, addict, addictions, alcoholic, Alcoholism, authenticity, Badass, Empowerment, friendship, Single mom, sobriety, succeedingLeave a comment

Where have I been, you ask? In a dark corner wrapped up in a blanket making excuses thats where! Does this sound familiar to you? Well, you are not alone. I make excuses as to why I haven’t been working my business to it’s highest potential. Easy answer, because I wasn’t ready to 110% be authentic, yet everyone thinks I am. So, today I drop the excuses and level up on my authenticity.

After an incredible year of being sober, starting a tribe, becoming an author/speaker and so much more it seemed everything halted. Some people have noticed and others have not, but what matters is I noticed. Not only did I notice, but I knew the reason why. All I have ever wanted in life was to be accepted and loved. I would like to add respected, but I haven’t been respected much growing up and I’m not talking about the respect I earned from a not so legal lifestyle either. I wanted acceptance and I was getting that, but I was also allowing anyone into my life with not so much a second thought. I’ve learnt acceptance from unaccepting people is not what I want.

I have been used, abused and taken advantage of from boyfriends and so called friends in the last year. I allow it too. Because I am a people pleaser, and I give many chances until I finally get burned so bad I can’t even complain about it because I let it happen. I have been called out by people for being a horrible person that says horrible things because once I get burned I get mad. Not a little bit mad, but like threaten you mad. Not my proudest moment okay.

What can I do to not get in a place where I feel like a bad person? Well for starters I can start setting up boundaries and sticking to them. I like helping people, it is in my nature to help people, but I can only help those that are willing to help themselves through the process. I also have realized that if someone is not willing to help you it’s probably a good indication you should keep walking because someone else could really use the help and will return the favour if ever needed.

For example, I just had my 2 year sobriety birthday and I received two phone calls. That’s right. 2. Last year, I arranged for a 1 year celebration at my house. I was surrounded by great company and given speeches that made me cry with joy. I felt accepted 100%. This year I realized I put too much effort in making friends. I would much rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies. So, my 2 year sobriety was fast approaching and I didn’t plan a damn thing. I received my two phone calls that made me cry again because I am so fucking proud of myself. Those two phone calls meant much more to me than the hustle I put into accommodating others on my day. Yes, I received a generous amount of fb posts that day, but these two phone calls came from two people that knew my date because it is on their calendars, not because they were reminded by a post I posted. Quarters!

The day you stop living for others and start living for yourself is a great day. Being selfish is what sets the winners apart, and I mean selfish in I come first and foremost because when I am the best Bonnie I can be I get to reward myself by helping you.

I am becoming more Bonnie everyday.

Next up is owning who I am, and my defects.

Old habits die hard

Posted on Categories Aboriginal, addict, addictions, alcoholic, Alcoholism, Badass, sobrietyLeave a comment

This last weekend I was tempted to pick up a drink and simply not think about my sobriety. I just wanted to be like everyone else and have some fun without being an alcoholic. I remember a time when I could have a few drinks, or even lots of drinks and just calling it a night. This is not the case anymore as I know my thought process when I drink. Boy do I get some good ideas when drinking. Like let’s spend all my money on booze and blow and not worry about the consequences until the next day. Yea, probably a good thing I decided to continue with my sobriety.

Here’s the thing. I will always be an alcoholic and I will constantly need to check on my sobriety. I couldn’t remember my last meeting, and today I got an invite and off I went. Guess what happened after the meeting….. calmness. An understanding that these meetings are my medicine to my sickness. This is something I have known all along, but I am stubborn and think I can handle everything on my own. Guess what, lol, no one can or should have to handle stuff on their own.

So here I am on my knees praying to my higher power to guide me. To stand by my side through this journey and to keep me strong. I know what I need to do and I will do it because I am not throwing over 600 days out the window on a shitty reason. If you are struggling with addiction please reach out to me or someone/anyone to help you. You are not alone, nor are you weak. I havent been this strong in my entire life. The strength comes from standing tall to my addiction and staring it head on ready to live!