“True belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.” ~ Brene Brown
I have been reading the book Braving the Wilderness by Brene Brown, and it all makes so much sense to me. My whole life I have been craving attention and acceptance but all in the wrong way. I am starting to realize I am not as authentic as I say I am. Are any of us? In order to fully ditch the shame one must fully accept their mistakes and move forward.
I’ve come to realize I can be a shitty friend and person. I say I am drama free and I came across this quote “Some people are not addicted to drama, they truly just do not know how to move through their pain and let-go” ~Bryant McGill I want to be drama free but I am not sure I know how. I create drama because chaos is all I know. To unlearn a life of mistakes I must be even stronger than ever before.
I also came across this quote that really resonated with me “Sorry I’m a shitty friend. Sometimes I forget I exist outside my head” ~Author Unknown I have been so involved in my own shit I have forgotten about those around me.
Communication has got to be one of the hardest things for me. Just sitting here communicating through writing has me in tears because it brings up so much anxiety for me. We first learn how to communicate by watching those around us as babies and our younger years. What I learnt was that when I speak I get yelled at or beaten. I learnt that asking for attention got me grounded. I learnt to be a drama queen and get attention from others turning me into a spoiled brat. My fear of what would happen when seeking approval carried on into my adult life. Even in my early twenties I was afraid to ask my Grandma for anything in person (even though she rarely ever said no to me) and I would leave her notes. Rarely do I communicate face to face. Now we text, post and blog which is great for someone like me who is afraid of rejection and disapproval.
The sheer thought of being disagreed with face to face makes me scared. I get hot in the face, my palms sweat and then I fight back the tears. Reminds me of elementary school when if someone looked at me I would break down and cry leading me to be called a cry baby.
So with all this revelation and my book on braving the world I stand up and make a stand. I WILL break this cycle!! I WILL learn simple life skills I simply do not have yet, and I WILL succeed in being a happy and healed person. My journey will never be over!
Where have I been, you ask? In a dark corner wrapped up in a blanket making excuses thats where! Does this sound familiar to you? Well, you are not alone. I make excuses as to why I haven’t been working my business to it’s highest potential. Easy answer, because I wasn’t ready to 110% be authentic, yet everyone thinks I am. So, today I drop the excuses and level up on my authenticity.
After an incredible year of being sober, starting a tribe, becoming an author/speaker and so much more it seemed everything halted. Some people have noticed and others have not, but what matters is I noticed. Not only did I notice, but I knew the reason why. All I have ever wanted in life was to be accepted and loved. I would like to add respected, but I haven’t been respected much growing up and I’m not talking about the respect I earned from a not so legal lifestyle either. I wanted acceptance and I was getting that, but I was also allowing anyone into my life with not so much a second thought. I’ve learnt acceptance from unaccepting people is not what I want.
I have been used, abused and taken advantage of from boyfriends and so called friends in the last year. I allow it too. Because I am a people pleaser, and I give many chances until I finally get burned so bad I can’t even complain about it because I let it happen. I have been called out by people for being a horrible person that says horrible things because once I get burned I get mad. Not a little bit mad, but like threaten you mad. Not my proudest moment okay.
What can I do to not get in a place where I feel like a bad person? Well for starters I can start setting up boundaries and sticking to them. I like helping people, it is in my nature to help people, but I can only help those that are willing to help themselves through the process. I also have realized that if someone is not willing to help you it’s probably a good indication you should keep walking because someone else could really use the help and will return the favour if ever needed.
For example, I just had my 2 year sobriety birthday and I received two phone calls. That’s right. 2. Last year, I arranged for a 1 year celebration at my house. I was surrounded by great company and given speeches that made me cry with joy. I felt accepted 100%. This year I realized I put too much effort in making friends. I would much rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies. So, my 2 year sobriety was fast approaching and I didn’t plan a damn thing. I received my two phone calls that made me cry again because I am so fucking proud of myself. Those two phone calls meant much more to me than the hustle I put into accommodating others on my day. Yes, I received a generous amount of fb posts that day, but these two phone calls came from two people that knew my date because it is on their calendars, not because they were reminded by a post I posted. Quarters!
The day you stop living for others and start living for yourself is a great day. Being selfish is what sets the winners apart, and I mean selfish in I come first and foremost because when I am the best Bonnie I can be I get to reward myself by helping you.
A friend once said to me last year that we meet people for a reason, a season or a lifetime and this saying has helped me throughout my journey as people come and go in my life. When I got sober many old friends became a distant memory as my lifestyle changed so abruptly, and I struggled with the losses immensely. I have always had a very big heart and loss is never an easy pill to swallow.
3 months into my sobriety I joined a makeover challenge. 7 days into the challenge my brother died. At the end of the challenge I made my declaration to become a public speaker and to spread awareness about sexual abuse. I stood up to my abusers once and for all. During all these difficult times I have had the pleasure of many friends support me. I grew some incredible bonds with women who became my ride or die crew. I broke down with some of these girls and told them my deepest darkest secrets, but what I didn’t expect was for none of them to be in my life today.
There are no reunion get togethers, no messages to say hello and sadly phone calls/texts are left unanswered. Monday I spoke at an event that will be aired on tv and I thought I would for sure have many attend the event since tickets were such an affordable price. We are talking $10 compared to the usual events I do where minimum cost is $100. Not one person came and I really wondered where was my tribe. I’ve processed these new revelations and I get it now. These people I miss and feel abandoned by are my season and reason friends, and I am grateful for the roles they played in my life, but the purpose has been met and I am moving into the next chapter of my life.
This last weekend I was tempted to pick up a drink and simply not think about my sobriety. I just wanted to be like everyone else and have some fun without being an alcoholic. I remember a time when I could have a few drinks, or even lots of drinks and just calling it a night. This is not the case anymore as I know my thought process when I drink. Boy do I get some good ideas when drinking. Like let’s spend all my money on booze and blow and not worry about the consequences until the next day. Yea, probably a good thing I decided to continue with my sobriety.
Here’s the thing. I will always be an alcoholic and I will constantly need to check on my sobriety. I couldn’t remember my last meeting, and today I got an invite and off I went. Guess what happened after the meeting….. calmness. An understanding that these meetings are my medicine to my sickness. This is something I have known all along, but I am stubborn and think I can handle everything on my own. Guess what, lol, no one can or should have to handle stuff on their own.
So here I am on my knees praying to my higher power to guide me. To stand by my side through this journey and to keep me strong. I know what I need to do and I will do it because I am not throwing over 600 days out the window on a shitty reason. If you are struggling with addiction please reach out to me or someone/anyone to help you. You are not alone, nor are you weak. I havent been this strong in my entire life. The strength comes from standing tall to my addiction and staring it head on ready to live!
I am back. Yet again…. Do you know how hard it is to be a single mom to 3 children (two of which are teenagers), run a household and a business? While it is very rewarding it is also tiring. Especially when you havent slept well in decades. So, if this sounds like you I suggest looking further into how you can change this.
For me this began with sleep. After my friend telling me I stopped breathing one night I took the steps to find out if I have sleep apnea. We already know falling asleep is hard for me, but once I am asleep I wonder if I get any rem sleep. I do not. I slept over at the hospital and in 6 hours of sleep I stopped breathing over 230 times and my rem sleep didn’t last more than 3 minutes. Yikes!! So bring on the sexy cpap machine. Thank god I don’t share my bed hahahaha. At least this sexy momma will be alive though.
Next, how do I make living with 3 kids a bit easier? Well one I stepped it up. I have vowed to go somewhere new every weekend on an adventure. Building memories are very important and now that I am sober and available I need to prioritize my time. I also am learning to let go with the teenagers. 14 and 15 is when they learn who they are, and I can’t hold their hands along the way (I tried and its not happening) so I am being more lenient and in turn the kids talk to me more. What a win!!
I also was feeling a bit down feeling alone surrounded by so many supporters. Family. I was missing a big piece of my life and again I have prioritized what is most important to me. I met my bio dad in October after being estranged for over 2 decades and over May long weekend I was reunited with my Aunt and Uncle after 28 years!!! I always felt no worth and not loved. I wondered where my family was. Why did no one want me in their lives? Well they did! If my Mom hadn’t told my Dad he wasn’t my Dad maybe I would’ve found them earlier. No! I would have because I found his number multiple times throughout the years and left it to my Mom to call. Little did I know she would sabatoge my chance at being loved. So if I have learnt anything from this it would be take control of yourself! I was too scared of rejection that I never called my Dad, yet if I would’ve I would have been accepted right then and there. It is what it is though, and it is a life lesson. Rejection is a part of life, but if you dont try you dont know and not knowing is worse.
I remember this day and tell this story as the one where “I met my real dad for the first time” this was my only memory of him. I was 12 (in actuality I was 9) and Mom took me on her drinking adventure to Vancouver which was a pretty regular thing. After she got drunk she pointed to my Dad and said this is your Father. Stumped, after sitting there for hours beforehand. I remember the picnic table, the kitchen, basement and my Mom drinking then argueing with my Dad.
I am grateful to have found my family. The family that loves me and wants to be in my life.
I was not prepared to be a Mom. I wasn’t sure that I wanted to be a Mom either for fear I would be a repeat of my Mom. Here’s the thing, I kind of was, I was a milder version of her but I still lived selfishly for too many years. I also lived in fear of standing up for myself so my children suffered and watched many arguements, childish behaviour and abandonment. Instead of going on about what mistakes I have done I want to really drive home the point of not giving up.
I can’t turn back the clock, but I can lead by example on where to go when the only direction left is up. I was a shitty Mom for a long time, and my kids test my dedication daily. One likes to remind me of my mistakes, one likes to push me to my breaking point and one is hoping I will crack and give in. When party Mom was around there were no rules and anything went including bedtimes.
It’s that cycle and I don’t think it is too late to break, but I also know my hard work is not yet close to being over. I know now how much the saying “nothing worthwhile comes easy” is true. I will continue to make decisions that may be hard for the kids but in the long run will give them a better chance than the one I had. They will know they are loved, respected, honoured, taken care of and important, but most of all they will know from watching me how to continue on and pull from their strength to succeed. Never give up but push yourself harder.
Today was the first Mother’s Day with no contact with my Mom. I was a tad bit emotional and simply didn’t want to make a fuss out of the day. No big dinner and nothing but taking care of me because I am a good Mother and I deserve the best. I drummed at a lake where no one was around and spent it with family. I really couldn’t be any happier than I am right now in this moment. The realization that I made it!! I matter and I make an impact!
So to all you Moms out there who are maybe thinking you don’t matter…. YOU DO!!! Pick yourself back up, and no matter how long it takes, build a tribe of like minded people and do the work. I regained custody of my two teens back in 2010 after not having them for over 2 years and when I got sober in 2016 I started to really work on building those relationships I never tried to build before. It is never to late and nothing is more important than the relationships we have in life.
Well there went my blogging streak. Maybe I spoke too soon, or maybe life just happened and instead of sharing with you, my audience, what has been going on I froze! Classic Bonnie move really. When I was younger I could just run away to California, or move into a friends, or, what I have been known to do in the past, run away with the Carnival. Now I just freeze, hide and forget.
So here I am owning my shit! I can’t expect to keep this amazing following by holding some of me back right. I have been vulnerable from the beginning sharing things that I have kept secret for most of my life, and if I want to show people how to show up fully I need to do it too.
Yes, I have been very busy speaking and networking but I also attempted to have a dating life. What!! Me!! Date!! What is that? I mean my older children’s dad I met on the Carnival and we practically lived together since day 1 and stayed together almost 5 years. Then there’s my last child’s dad……… we met, I fell hard, I moved in and lost myself along the way. Oh what about my husband…… well he moved in before we were a couple and we were exclusive from April 19th until not many days later we married May 5th. So there’s my dysfunctional love life. Oh, and I did live with a guy before I had kids for over a year, but in true Bonnie fashion I ran away without breaking up with him. Such a coward I was, but not intentionally. I simply wanted to be loved but didn’t love myself because of all the shame I carried.
So back to dating today….. For one, as a sober woman with 3 kids and a career where would I find men? Decent ones too because
I know my worth now and I love myself so much I know what would compliment me now. I met a guy….. and boy was he kind, good looking and the best part FUNNY!!! Too bad I caught feelings when we discussed we wouldn’t. Hi, I am Bonnie and I don’t necessarily listen. I believe I have an awesome friend in him and hope he stays a positive force in my life; feelings aside. I’m proud of myself too!! I communicated how I felt, cried a tiny bit because my feelings were hurt and moved on. At first I thought “what is wrong with me” but then I said to myself it wasn’t meant to be. I believe deeply everyone we meet we do for a reason. I really learnt how to communicate too and that is never easy but oh so important if you want a full life. By full I mean being brutally honest with everyone including yourself, and no matter how hard a situation may be it will not kill you. So if it is on your mind get it off your mind through speaking. A wise friend of mine once said it is the “rule of 72” if it is still bothering you after 72 hours you need to talk about it. It’s an injustice not to. Free your mind to free yourself.
Today I am happily single and trying out dating. I have never been on a “date” and by that I mean no bar and party just two people getting to know each other with no intentions and if after meeting you don’t connect you say thanks for the coffee and go your separate ways. Also, dating now won’t be me putting in all the effort. If someone wants to be around me I will know because they will make an effort equal to mine. Sounds easy enough right? Well I have my first date tomorrow and I’m really nervous!! It includes coffee at Tim Hortons and possibly Castle Fun Park if we choose to after coffee. Brutal honesty right, no point in dragging anything on.
Do you have a song that speaks to you? The one you sing out loud every time you hear it. The one where you belt out the words as if you recorded it, even though you can’t hit the notes becase singing is not your strong point? Well I do. I first heard the song Home by Phillip Phillips May 22, 2012 and it has since been my favourite song. I was in a relationship that started out physically abusive but turned into emotional through the tumultuous years I stayed. I was broken, tired, drinking shots of vodka every night alone after the kids were in bed and just coasting along through life. I had not felt like I had a home since my Grandma passed in 2004 and I did not know my place in the world. I felt alone and the years were flying by at an incredible speed.
I left that relationship but this song became strength to me. I was so afraid to go down the path I was going alone, and I just yearned for a home. Today I am not alone, but instead I have a tribe of people that are inspired by me. I used to think life was all about finding someone to make myself happy, become a family and live life as I believed everyone else was. Now I see clearly, and I get clearer every day. I get to make me happy!! I am never alone because I have the best version of myself and in turn a tribe of individuals that are rising up along with me.
My Grandma never remarried, and I never knew her with a man, but she was married to her work and boy did she make a difference in the world. I am not giving up on love, but I am trying my hardest to not fall into old routines. I do not need to be defined by my relationship status, and I don’t need to be on a mission to finding the one because when we do meet we will know right. I want to change lives and with doing that I will be changing my life drastically in turn improving my childrens lives. There is that cycle I talk about and I am ending the cycle of abuse and violence. I stand on my feet strong in knowing my purpose is meant in this way.
That unfamiliar road in the song is exactly where I am, and the demons are not in charge anymore. It’ll all be clear and it really will be if you are open to understanding it and then embracing it!! Just know you’re not alone ‘Cause I’m going to make this place your home. You are not alone!!! And home is where you make it. I could no longer force myself to make homes with people who do not value me, and finally I have a home!! I am fulfilled and have never been so grateful in my life. People actually like me!!! Who would’ve thought being genuine is better than being fake and “cool!”
I leave you tonight with two pictures of my Grandmother who is about as badass as any woman in her time. She did what most men couldn’t in a male driven world. My hero, my idol and my favourite egg maker in the world. I love you Grandma Ceel and you push me to excellence to this day. I also leave you with the video of my favourite song. XX
Tonight I watched the movie Indian Horse with a friend who is very near to my heart and boy did we cry. We knew we would and that is why we brought our own box of Kleenex, boy did we ever need them. Imagine me in my seat sobbing uncontrollably while blowing my snotty nose. Yea real hot hahahaha.
On the way home we talked deeply about the historical trauma we as Indigenous people have suffered and this is no different for myself. As much as I am pained by what my parents have done to me tonight I had some compassion. We as humans have choices to make regardless of our past. I personally have made many poor choices and today I rise above them all. Although this movie was based on Residential Schools it still is closely connected to the sixties scoop. My mother was called an “ugly nigger baby that is so ugly no one could love her.” She then lived in 13 foster homes and was abused sexually by multiple persons in majority of these homes. Yes I understand her for this but she chooses to be a victim and not own up to her mistakes. My step dad is a by-product of residential schools and has many mental health issues. Why he chose to molest me is unknown, but I know he needed help. Compassion I have, but tolerance is something I hold in high regard.
As I look back on the file my mom received from her childhood I see the pain that she lived through and in turn put upon me. It is my choice to stand up and end the cycle. It is said it will take 3 generations to heal from historical trauma and so I have some work to do to ensure I help as many people as I can end their cycles. Yes it is fucking hard!! Like Saul in the movie he was triggered and he gave up his dream; became an alcoholic and was filled with anger, but he too persisted. Sounds all too familiar.
When I first heard this song it resonated deeply with me. I listen to it every single day.
Understand the following is how I feel when I listen to this song and it is the emotions and thoughts that run through my mind. I am not that broken girl anymore but I am ever so aware of my feelings regarding my life. I am 100% open and vulnerable because I know I am not alone. People message me saying my words are their words that they are afraid to speak, so maybe if I continue to bare my truth it will help others bare their own.
How much of my mother has my mother left in me?
How much of my love will be insane to some degree?
And what about this feeling that I’m never good enough?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?
My ex would tell me I would grow into an ugly woman like my mother and that I was crazy like her. My biggest fear in life was being like her and being a failure of a mother. Even though I did fail in the early years as a mother who abandoned her children with her mother of all people. Would I love like her always? Like it was meaningless? And this feeling of not being good enough. I wasn’t good enough for her. I did everything to please her as a child. I would proudly show her my school work and she would get mad at me. Always disappointed. Was I destined to be a punching bag? Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in MY blood. Was I ever going to be good enough or was this my place in life.
How much of my father am I destined to become?
Will I dim the lights inside me just to satisfy someone?
Will I let this woman kill me, or do away with jealous love?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?
How much of my (step) father was I destined to become? I was afraid to touch my children for years afraid people knew I was molested and if I kept that secret that made me a bad person. I did not hug my children often, but boy I won’t let go now. I dimmed my light to satisfy someone. Several people actually. I kept the secret for fear of ruining peoples lives. I felt it my duty to give up my life for others to not suffer. Jealous love; oh boy. I always loved my mom even though she had a burning jealousy of me and how my Grandma doted on me.
I can feel love the I want, I can feel the love I need
But it’s never gonna come the way I am
Could I change it if I wanted, can I rise above the flood?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?
That love was not real. The marriage, the lies and desire to not be a failure. I finally stood on my story demanding the love I deserve and can give. I can change it because I choose to rise above the flood. I believe it can wash out in the water as I have family now that is not blood.
How much like my brothers, do my brothers wanna be?
Does a broken home become another broken family?
Or will we be there for each other, like nobody ever could?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?
Our broken family and broken home always fell heavily on my shoulders. If I had never wrote in my diary that he was molesting me my mom never would have found out. She would not hate me for what her husband did. If I was not born she would still have her son. She never told me it was my fault, but she made it very clear the ministry advised her of giving him up as she couldn’t handle both him and me. When you hear it enough you begin to analyze it as if I wasn’t there she wouldn’t have had the choice.
I can feel love the I want, I can feel the love I need
But it’s never gonna come the way I am
Could I change it if I wanted, could I rise above the flood?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?
I can feel the love I want, I can feel the love I need
But it’s never gonna come the way I am
Could I change it if I wanted, can I rise above the flood?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?
I love this because it is my truth and I choose to rise above. Love will come because I am no longer the way I was. I made the choice to change and now the flood is nothing mere of a puddle.
Wouldn’t you like to know the key to success? The secret to succeeding? What if I told you that you are the key. You are the secret. It comes down to investing, hard work and being badass.
Now when I say investing I don’t mean going and jumping into every opportunity that requires an investment but to invest in yourself. I also do not mean you need to invest your money (although you sometimes need to) but to invest your time. Always remember time is money; there is NO such thing as a free lunch. If you have taken macro-economics you would know this concept. Imagine someone gave you something for free but you had to pick it up an hour away. You have paid for fuel and time. Time is my highest commodity that I spend very wisely. I of course wouldn’t be where I am today without investing money in the form of licences, books, travel and merchandise.
Hard work is a key component to success. Not everyone’s dreams are far reached like mine have been (I am not going to be Oprah as I am Bonnie, but I will be the Canadian equivalent) but dreams take work and dedication. I tried sitting on the sidelines waiting for opportunities to be tossed into my lap. Let me help you not waste your time and tell you to work for it. I now see I couldn’t expect to be invited to speak if no one has heard me speak yet, but once I put myself out there and started building relationships with key players I was a welcome addition to many stages.
Being badass! Well you certainly don’t need to be, but I ask why the heck wouldn’t you want to be? Being badass to me means standing for what I believe in NO MATTER WHAT! It means going against what society thinks success is. It means saying NO to abuse, violence, addiction and poor choices. It means not being a door mat. It means having an opinion and not changing it because it doesn’t fit someone else’s opinion. And it most definitely means not giving a shit what people think of me.
I was scared last year of what people would think of me for engaging with my parents after all they put me through. Crazy right? Why should I be shamed for something my 2 to 10 year old self had no control over? That’s right, I damn well shouldn’t be nor am I today. I speak openly and freely of my traumatic childhood, and if you don’t like the truth then I suggest you keep on clicking to another blog because I have kept secrets for far too long. I am here to share my stories to inspire us all to share our stories. This idea of a better world does exist I believe with truth and unity. I have since abandoned my parents with not a second thought in the same way they chose to abuse me and steal my innocence without a second thought.
Now some of you may wonder what successes I have had with the above formula so let me lay it on you. 554 days ago I was partying as if it were 1999. I was drinking like my usual self (out of oblivion) and higher than a kite on cocaine. Looking back I remember I didn’t like the taste of alcohol or the action of snorting stuff up my nose, but I did and I did in extreme excess. I was a cutter and was screaming for help without saying help as I never wanted to be deemed helpless. 553 days ago I woke up and just knew I was done. I had an idea if I got sober and my husband got sober he would love me and our lives would be enriched. Hahahahahahahahaha (let’s get real) never force a relationship with someone who doesn’t value or support you!! Fast forward to today and I am sober and full of life and love. I am an international best selling author, public speaker, shame fighter, BADASS and here to change the way we deal with sexual abuse. I travel for events and have started new endeavours and movements are being formed. I am no longer screaming for help but screaming I will help YOU! I do not want to be better than anyone else (although I strive to be the best for me and my children) but I want to inspire all survivors to be badass like me. Own our pasts and stand up to show all we can overcome.
I offer my hand to anyone who feels they are alone on this quest of self discovery. I have been there, and I can guarantee if you ditch the shame you will be free. I leave you with a picture from this weekend where I met all the authors of the book I have one of my stories in.
Sacred Hearts Rising Summit 2018 Edmonton, Alberta
