“True belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.” ~ Brene Brown
I have been reading the book Braving the Wilderness by Brene Brown, and it all makes so much sense to me. My whole life I have been craving attention and acceptance but all in the wrong way. I am starting to realize I am not as authentic as I say I am. Are any of us? In order to fully ditch the shame one must fully accept their mistakes and move forward.
I’ve come to realize I can be a shitty friend and person. I say I am drama free and I came across this quote “Some people are not addicted to drama, they truly just do not know how to move through their pain and let-go” ~Bryant McGill I want to be drama free but I am not sure I know how. I create drama because chaos is all I know. To unlearn a life of mistakes I must be even stronger than ever before.
I also came across this quote that really resonated with me “Sorry I’m a shitty friend. Sometimes I forget I exist outside my head” ~Author Unknown I have been so involved in my own shit I have forgotten about those around me.
Communication has got to be one of the hardest things for me. Just sitting here communicating through writing has me in tears because it brings up so much anxiety for me. We first learn how to communicate by watching those around us as babies and our younger years. What I learnt was that when I speak I get yelled at or beaten. I learnt that asking for attention got me grounded. I learnt to be a drama queen and get attention from others turning me into a spoiled brat. My fear of what would happen when seeking approval carried on into my adult life. Even in my early twenties I was afraid to ask my Grandma for anything in person (even though she rarely ever said no to me) and I would leave her notes. Rarely do I communicate face to face. Now we text, post and blog which is great for someone like me who is afraid of rejection and disapproval.
The sheer thought of being disagreed with face to face makes me scared. I get hot in the face, my palms sweat and then I fight back the tears. Reminds me of elementary school when if someone looked at me I would break down and cry leading me to be called a cry baby.
So with all this revelation and my book on braving the world I stand up and make a stand. I WILL break this cycle!! I WILL learn simple life skills I simply do not have yet, and I WILL succeed in being a happy and healed person. My journey will never be over!
Where have I been, you ask? In a dark corner wrapped up in a blanket making excuses thats where! Does this sound familiar to you? Well, you are not alone. I make excuses as to why I haven’t been working my business to it’s highest potential. Easy answer, because I wasn’t ready to 110% be authentic, yet everyone thinks I am. So, today I drop the excuses and level up on my authenticity.
After an incredible year of being sober, starting a tribe, becoming an author/speaker and so much more it seemed everything halted. Some people have noticed and others have not, but what matters is I noticed. Not only did I notice, but I knew the reason why. All I have ever wanted in life was to be accepted and loved. I would like to add respected, but I haven’t been respected much growing up and I’m not talking about the respect I earned from a not so legal lifestyle either. I wanted acceptance and I was getting that, but I was also allowing anyone into my life with not so much a second thought. I’ve learnt acceptance from unaccepting people is not what I want.
I have been used, abused and taken advantage of from boyfriends and so called friends in the last year. I allow it too. Because I am a people pleaser, and I give many chances until I finally get burned so bad I can’t even complain about it because I let it happen. I have been called out by people for being a horrible person that says horrible things because once I get burned I get mad. Not a little bit mad, but like threaten you mad. Not my proudest moment okay.
What can I do to not get in a place where I feel like a bad person? Well for starters I can start setting up boundaries and sticking to them. I like helping people, it is in my nature to help people, but I can only help those that are willing to help themselves through the process. I also have realized that if someone is not willing to help you it’s probably a good indication you should keep walking because someone else could really use the help and will return the favour if ever needed.
For example, I just had my 2 year sobriety birthday and I received two phone calls. That’s right. 2. Last year, I arranged for a 1 year celebration at my house. I was surrounded by great company and given speeches that made me cry with joy. I felt accepted 100%. This year I realized I put too much effort in making friends. I would much rather have 4 quarters than 100 pennies. So, my 2 year sobriety was fast approaching and I didn’t plan a damn thing. I received my two phone calls that made me cry again because I am so fucking proud of myself. Those two phone calls meant much more to me than the hustle I put into accommodating others on my day. Yes, I received a generous amount of fb posts that day, but these two phone calls came from two people that knew my date because it is on their calendars, not because they were reminded by a post I posted. Quarters!
The day you stop living for others and start living for yourself is a great day. Being selfish is what sets the winners apart, and I mean selfish in I come first and foremost because when I am the best Bonnie I can be I get to reward myself by helping you.
A friend once said to me last year that we meet people for a reason, a season or a lifetime and this saying has helped me throughout my journey as people come and go in my life. When I got sober many old friends became a distant memory as my lifestyle changed so abruptly, and I struggled with the losses immensely. I have always had a very big heart and loss is never an easy pill to swallow.
3 months into my sobriety I joined a makeover challenge. 7 days into the challenge my brother died. At the end of the challenge I made my declaration to become a public speaker and to spread awareness about sexual abuse. I stood up to my abusers once and for all. During all these difficult times I have had the pleasure of many friends support me. I grew some incredible bonds with women who became my ride or die crew. I broke down with some of these girls and told them my deepest darkest secrets, but what I didn’t expect was for none of them to be in my life today.
There are no reunion get togethers, no messages to say hello and sadly phone calls/texts are left unanswered. Monday I spoke at an event that will be aired on tv and I thought I would for sure have many attend the event since tickets were such an affordable price. We are talking $10 compared to the usual events I do where minimum cost is $100. Not one person came and I really wondered where was my tribe. I’ve processed these new revelations and I get it now. These people I miss and feel abandoned by are my season and reason friends, and I am grateful for the roles they played in my life, but the purpose has been met and I am moving into the next chapter of my life.
Do you have a song that speaks to you? The one you sing out loud every time you hear it. The one where you belt out the words as if you recorded it, even though you can’t hit the notes becase singing is not your strong point? Well I do. I first heard the song Home by Phillip Phillips May 22, 2012 and it has since been my favourite song. I was in a relationship that started out physically abusive but turned into emotional through the tumultuous years I stayed. I was broken, tired, drinking shots of vodka every night alone after the kids were in bed and just coasting along through life. I had not felt like I had a home since my Grandma passed in 2004 and I did not know my place in the world. I felt alone and the years were flying by at an incredible speed.
I left that relationship but this song became strength to me. I was so afraid to go down the path I was going alone, and I just yearned for a home. Today I am not alone, but instead I have a tribe of people that are inspired by me. I used to think life was all about finding someone to make myself happy, become a family and live life as I believed everyone else was. Now I see clearly, and I get clearer every day. I get to make me happy!! I am never alone because I have the best version of myself and in turn a tribe of individuals that are rising up along with me.
My Grandma never remarried, and I never knew her with a man, but she was married to her work and boy did she make a difference in the world. I am not giving up on love, but I am trying my hardest to not fall into old routines. I do not need to be defined by my relationship status, and I don’t need to be on a mission to finding the one because when we do meet we will know right. I want to change lives and with doing that I will be changing my life drastically in turn improving my childrens lives. There is that cycle I talk about and I am ending the cycle of abuse and violence. I stand on my feet strong in knowing my purpose is meant in this way.
That unfamiliar road in the song is exactly where I am, and the demons are not in charge anymore. It’ll all be clear and it really will be if you are open to understanding it and then embracing it!! Just know you’re not alone ‘Cause I’m going to make this place your home. You are not alone!!! And home is where you make it. I could no longer force myself to make homes with people who do not value me, and finally I have a home!! I am fulfilled and have never been so grateful in my life. People actually like me!!! Who would’ve thought being genuine is better than being fake and “cool!”
I leave you tonight with two pictures of my Grandmother who is about as badass as any woman in her time. She did what most men couldn’t in a male driven world. My hero, my idol and my favourite egg maker in the world. I love you Grandma Ceel and you push me to excellence to this day. I also leave you with the video of my favourite song. XX
Tonight I watched the movie Indian Horse with a friend who is very near to my heart and boy did we cry. We knew we would and that is why we brought our own box of Kleenex, boy did we ever need them. Imagine me in my seat sobbing uncontrollably while blowing my snotty nose. Yea real hot hahahaha.
On the way home we talked deeply about the historical trauma we as Indigenous people have suffered and this is no different for myself. As much as I am pained by what my parents have done to me tonight I had some compassion. We as humans have choices to make regardless of our past. I personally have made many poor choices and today I rise above them all. Although this movie was based on Residential Schools it still is closely connected to the sixties scoop. My mother was called an “ugly nigger baby that is so ugly no one could love her.” She then lived in 13 foster homes and was abused sexually by multiple persons in majority of these homes. Yes I understand her for this but she chooses to be a victim and not own up to her mistakes. My step dad is a by-product of residential schools and has many mental health issues. Why he chose to molest me is unknown, but I know he needed help. Compassion I have, but tolerance is something I hold in high regard.
As I look back on the file my mom received from her childhood I see the pain that she lived through and in turn put upon me. It is my choice to stand up and end the cycle. It is said it will take 3 generations to heal from historical trauma and so I have some work to do to ensure I help as many people as I can end their cycles. Yes it is fucking hard!! Like Saul in the movie he was triggered and he gave up his dream; became an alcoholic and was filled with anger, but he too persisted. Sounds all too familiar.
When I first heard this song it resonated deeply with me. I listen to it every single day.
Understand the following is how I feel when I listen to this song and it is the emotions and thoughts that run through my mind. I am not that broken girl anymore but I am ever so aware of my feelings regarding my life. I am 100% open and vulnerable because I know I am not alone. People message me saying my words are their words that they are afraid to speak, so maybe if I continue to bare my truth it will help others bare their own.
How much of my mother has my mother left in me?
How much of my love will be insane to some degree?
And what about this feeling that I’m never good enough?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?
My ex would tell me I would grow into an ugly woman like my mother and that I was crazy like her. My biggest fear in life was being like her and being a failure of a mother. Even though I did fail in the early years as a mother who abandoned her children with her mother of all people. Would I love like her always? Like it was meaningless? And this feeling of not being good enough. I wasn’t good enough for her. I did everything to please her as a child. I would proudly show her my school work and she would get mad at me. Always disappointed. Was I destined to be a punching bag? Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in MY blood. Was I ever going to be good enough or was this my place in life.
How much of my father am I destined to become?
Will I dim the lights inside me just to satisfy someone?
Will I let this woman kill me, or do away with jealous love?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?
How much of my (step) father was I destined to become? I was afraid to touch my children for years afraid people knew I was molested and if I kept that secret that made me a bad person. I did not hug my children often, but boy I won’t let go now. I dimmed my light to satisfy someone. Several people actually. I kept the secret for fear of ruining peoples lives. I felt it my duty to give up my life for others to not suffer. Jealous love; oh boy. I always loved my mom even though she had a burning jealousy of me and how my Grandma doted on me.
I can feel love the I want, I can feel the love I need
But it’s never gonna come the way I am
Could I change it if I wanted, can I rise above the flood?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?
That love was not real. The marriage, the lies and desire to not be a failure. I finally stood on my story demanding the love I deserve and can give. I can change it because I choose to rise above the flood. I believe it can wash out in the water as I have family now that is not blood.
How much like my brothers, do my brothers wanna be?
Does a broken home become another broken family?
Or will we be there for each other, like nobody ever could?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?
Our broken family and broken home always fell heavily on my shoulders. If I had never wrote in my diary that he was molesting me my mom never would have found out. She would not hate me for what her husband did. If I was not born she would still have her son. She never told me it was my fault, but she made it very clear the ministry advised her of giving him up as she couldn’t handle both him and me. When you hear it enough you begin to analyze it as if I wasn’t there she wouldn’t have had the choice.
I can feel love the I want, I can feel the love I need
But it’s never gonna come the way I am
Could I change it if I wanted, could I rise above the flood?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?
I can feel the love I want, I can feel the love I need
But it’s never gonna come the way I am
Could I change it if I wanted, can I rise above the flood?
Will it wash out in the water, or is it always in the blood?
I love this because it is my truth and I choose to rise above. Love will come because I am no longer the way I was. I made the choice to change and now the flood is nothing mere of a puddle.
Wouldn’t you like to know the key to success? The secret to succeeding? What if I told you that you are the key. You are the secret. It comes down to investing, hard work and being badass.
Now when I say investing I don’t mean going and jumping into every opportunity that requires an investment but to invest in yourself. I also do not mean you need to invest your money (although you sometimes need to) but to invest your time. Always remember time is money; there is NO such thing as a free lunch. If you have taken macro-economics you would know this concept. Imagine someone gave you something for free but you had to pick it up an hour away. You have paid for fuel and time. Time is my highest commodity that I spend very wisely. I of course wouldn’t be where I am today without investing money in the form of licences, books, travel and merchandise.
Hard work is a key component to success. Not everyone’s dreams are far reached like mine have been (I am not going to be Oprah as I am Bonnie, but I will be the Canadian equivalent) but dreams take work and dedication. I tried sitting on the sidelines waiting for opportunities to be tossed into my lap. Let me help you not waste your time and tell you to work for it. I now see I couldn’t expect to be invited to speak if no one has heard me speak yet, but once I put myself out there and started building relationships with key players I was a welcome addition to many stages.
Being badass! Well you certainly don’t need to be, but I ask why the heck wouldn’t you want to be? Being badass to me means standing for what I believe in NO MATTER WHAT! It means going against what society thinks success is. It means saying NO to abuse, violence, addiction and poor choices. It means not being a door mat. It means having an opinion and not changing it because it doesn’t fit someone else’s opinion. And it most definitely means not giving a shit what people think of me.
I was scared last year of what people would think of me for engaging with my parents after all they put me through. Crazy right? Why should I be shamed for something my 2 to 10 year old self had no control over? That’s right, I damn well shouldn’t be nor am I today. I speak openly and freely of my traumatic childhood, and if you don’t like the truth then I suggest you keep on clicking to another blog because I have kept secrets for far too long. I am here to share my stories to inspire us all to share our stories. This idea of a better world does exist I believe with truth and unity. I have since abandoned my parents with not a second thought in the same way they chose to abuse me and steal my innocence without a second thought.
Now some of you may wonder what successes I have had with the above formula so let me lay it on you. 554 days ago I was partying as if it were 1999. I was drinking like my usual self (out of oblivion) and higher than a kite on cocaine. Looking back I remember I didn’t like the taste of alcohol or the action of snorting stuff up my nose, but I did and I did in extreme excess. I was a cutter and was screaming for help without saying help as I never wanted to be deemed helpless. 553 days ago I woke up and just knew I was done. I had an idea if I got sober and my husband got sober he would love me and our lives would be enriched. Hahahahahahahahaha (let’s get real) never force a relationship with someone who doesn’t value or support you!! Fast forward to today and I am sober and full of life and love. I am an international best selling author, public speaker, shame fighter, BADASS and here to change the way we deal with sexual abuse. I travel for events and have started new endeavours and movements are being formed. I am no longer screaming for help but screaming I will help YOU! I do not want to be better than anyone else (although I strive to be the best for me and my children) but I want to inspire all survivors to be badass like me. Own our pasts and stand up to show all we can overcome.
I offer my hand to anyone who feels they are alone on this quest of self discovery. I have been there, and I can guarantee if you ditch the shame you will be free. I leave you with a picture from this weekend where I met all the authors of the book I have one of my stories in.
Sacred Hearts Rising Summit 2018 Edmonton, Alberta
Miss me? I hope so because I have missed blogging. No excuses though okay. I simply didn’t get around to it. I haven’t experienced much of a “normal” life or schedule and some days I barely remember to eat. Don’t worry though, I am working on improving this.
I have decided I will commit to blogging every Sunday and this will be where I let you guys look into my soul. The deep stuff that I would love to share with you. The stuff that drives me, scares me, pushes me to reach farther. I can blog about anything I want but Sundays are for the deep meanings and what I feel deeply about.
So here is a song I want you to listen to knowing that it is significant to me. The backstory to how this song became important to me goes back to when I left my last child’s Father. A man who stripped me of all self confidence and had me questioning my sanity. I was so broken and unworthy of life in my head that I didn’t care if I amounted to anything. When I left him for good I fell into doing a lot of partying and I got an unexpected phone call asking me to come to Mission Hospital because my big brother Eddie was dying and if he didn’t get on life support soon he wasn’t going to be around much longer. My brother I thought? I hadn’t seen him in years! I mean 8 years with my ex and I didn’t see a lot of anyone and had no social media or outside friends.
The thought of my brother dying and my guilt that I abandoned him was overbearing. I got into my car and this song came on immediately. Please listen before reading on.
In case you didn’t know my brother Eddie lived with severe epilepsy called Lennox Gastaut and had over 30 other disabilities. On a good day he was about as old as a 4 year old. He spoke minimal words but he always remembered who I was “bunny.” I was in the emergency room within the time this song played and signing off to have him put on life support. I held his hand so tight but his body was so cold. He was dying. My brother was leaving me and I was too selfish to visit him. The hospital was too small for him and he was transferred to Abbotsford as they could better handle him. I got in my van and headed right there to be by his side.
This song was on again!! I got to the hospital and once he was in ICU I was told not to expect him to last the night. He was seizuring over and over and his eyes stayed wide open. They taped them shut and I started to crumble inside. I had to tell my Mom and no one wanted the task of telling her that her son was a dying. Although she didn’t raise him he is her prized child (maybe because he didn’t talk back) and of course she freaked out over the news. Especially because I was called to give authority on HER son. My Mom is not one to reason with, so I was the better option even though I did not have my shit together. I hid my addiction extremely well during this time.
So we stayed by his side. I prayed. I cried. I was ashamed this was the longest time I’d ever spent with him. Eventually I had to go home to my children. I said my good bye and that I would hope to see Eddie in the morning. The next day we sat down with the Dr’s and team discussed if I wanted to do a DNR if necessary. I said absolutely not as Eddie couldn’t stand a stray string on any clothing wether on him or not let alone a tube in his throat if they chose a tracheotomy, and if they tried to resuscitate him they would likely break his frail ribs. Nope, little sis wants quality of life over selfishness. Did I mention this song played each and every time I went into my vehicle!?
Day 3, the same guy who told me to prepare for my brothers death said hes tough. No, he is a miracle. He started to get better and better every single day! Eventually he was fine, and moved to a new group home care where he lived his remaining few years. This song has come on periodically throughout the years when I am down and it has many meanings for different people but for me it is my sadness of not being loved by my Mom and being molested by my step dad. About stumbling down and learning to love myself after years of not having true love. It’s me telling Eddie to say something to me. It means he will follow me wherever I go. It’s the people who have given up on me. I took this song as something more than a sad love song and it summed up my life and my relationships and my push to not give up and to say something which is exactly what I am doing today. Today I am saying something that needed to be said 30 years ago and my brother is right by my side!
I leave you tonight with a clip of a video I made last year in a challenge I was in. It is dedicated to my brother and my sobriety. Thank you for peering deep within if only for a few minutes .
This is me right now. I have always been surrounded by people, and now I am not sure what to do in the silence. So I blog. I have been around people since I was 5 and not just a few people but more like a crew. I always wanted to be older so I wasnt looked at as a child to my aunt and her friends, and when I became a teenager my step-dads house was always full of people. Later I travelled the carnival and then long term relationships. When I wasn’t in a relationship I had lots of friends hanging out or I was often the life of any party. Today, I am confident in being a great single mom, but when everyone is in bed it is just me alone. I have accomplished so much and want to scream it from the rooftops. This is where not having family gets me down.
Do I fear being alone? Or is it the pain of abusive men creeping back in my head. “Your not worthy” “Your going to be alone and be just like your Mother” “You are a waste of skin” these thoughts never really go away when they are drilled in your head repeatedly, however they have gotten quieter. Some days I am so damn confident and happy I forget the pain I have been through, and other days I just feel like it is me against the world. I’m most definitely not giving up, as I know these statements are not true but I will share how I feel because I know I am not alone. None of us are alone but we fear rejection and vulnerability so we don’t reach out as much as we should sometimes. I have made a career out of my fears so I will not back down and I will be courageous as I continue to push past fear.
It really does come down to me. My thoughts, my actions and how I interpret things. So today as I struggled a bit I went back to the basics. I am not quitting because there really is no option at this point. I have lit the fire and its raging out of control ready to change the world. It is an injustice to let my flame dim. I remember who I was when I wasn’t motivated and she was a miserable person to be around. A monster at times, and now I am this insanely happy individual who smiles lots, inspires even more and doesn’t back down from a challenge. I mean come on; I am 37 in less than 2 hours and I have picked up my saxophone (been collecting dust for 20 years), been trying to learn piano (I am a fast learner) and am competing in a pageant this summer for Miss. BC. If that isn’t badass I really don’t know what is.
Y’all know who the heck I am, and if not I am sure you have heard about me, seen me, creeped my facebook or know of me. I’m that type of person you either love or hate but love when you get to know me. I am loud, loyal, honest, giving and have no filter! I also have grown up so much that I don’t know the old me anymore. The old me is nothing but a memory of a sad, lonely and broken person. Someone who hurt so bad hurting others was natural.
So I have this fancy website, and a business, and a chapter in a book, and, and, and………. but I still have to pinch myself. Less than two years ago I was partying every day/night and was numbing myself to the world. Today I bitch about not being able to smoke a cigarette and I get over it. Like an adult! I have good friends who I can lean on and I keep meeting awesome people who actually want to have me in their lives. You want to know the secret to success? Want it badder than anything. If you want it you’ll find a way.
Lately I have been so enthralled in my business it seems I’m missing out on life, but then I think I don’t have much of a life other than my work, kids and mission to empower other people (which is a pretty fulfilling life). I’m lonely I guess, as I have always been in a relationship. So I tried some online dating… fail!! Never look to a man to make you whole. So this past while I have been focusing on confidence and self worth and I am shining bright!!! Like wake up every morning feeling great and ready to take on the world type shit. For once in my life I have no problem telling someone what I want. I have no issue being single and whatever life has in store for me I am ready!
I am now a part of the Badass Mom club and membership is free to anyone who wants to join me in changing the world. Let’s talk about topics no one wants to talk about. Let’s shake things up!!! Let’s stand tall and be confident! Let’s go against the grain! You get the point right. I am the change I seek in the world!
Thank you for standing by as I rewrote my story. As you all know I am Badass Bon and I’ve been kicking ass!! So, where have I been? Well since my last post I was dealing with the heaviness I carried from the retreat. Those 4 days kicked my ass and really opened my eyes to my worth. I was so stuck in lingo regarding all the abuse that I endured and at that retreat I was honestly able to let go, and learn some very valuable tools.
No is a complete sentence, and I can choose what to do with my body because it is mine! I also get to choose how I want to be treated. Talk about kick ass stuff right!!?
So, my marriage……….. when I came home I knew my marriage was suffering. I do not regret anything because I do believe in a reason, season or a lifetime, but I was not happy. I had overcome so much and done so much work I think I may have forgotten to take my husband along for the ride. Also, it takes two people to heal from the pain they caused each other, and so we split. I spent the entirety of the marriage hurt by drunken actions and only I was willing to communicate and attempt to reconcile over the past. Instead he chose to drink. I still do not drink and most likely never will. I have no desire to waste my life. If I drink I will wake up hungover and not feel inspired and I love to inspire people.
Again, a single mom but one with purpose!!! I did my first keynote speech and felt I did pretty good! I have 4 upcoming speaking opportunities AND I’m starting to coach people. The book I wrote my story in was released this week. My first online class starts tomorrow, and I am putting together workshops for in house and on reserves and at treatment centres. I am building relationships in my community and giving back when I can.
People ask me “how do you do it?” or “how do you move past this/that?”
You just do it. You ask for help, you find your tribe/support, you set goals and open yourself up to succeeding and then you just do it!! There is no other answer to this. I sat waiting for 35 years for my time to come, and one day someone opened the door for me and I never looked back. You can also follow and achieve your dreams.
